An Increasing Number of Children Estranged from Parents

[joshuabgood]

There are times, in my view, when no contact is necessary. IE when responding to really damages relationships. This might include affairs of some sort, sexual abuse, or other abusive relationships.

I wonder what the "no contact" people plan to do in heaven.

The no contact will help them get to heaven so all tears can be wiped away.

[Anthony]

There are times, in my view, when no contact is necessary. IE when responding to really damages relationships. This might include affairs of some sort, sexual abuse, or other abusive relationships.

I wonder what the "no contact" people plan to do in heaven.

The no contact will help them get to heaven so all tears can be wiped away.

I like that, This is a very nice way of putting it.

[temporal1]

Church discipline and excommunication is not a unilateral decision by one young person setting himself against his elders. You say "whenever i've done this to a person" like it's something you maybe do on a regular basis. I can't see how that is at all healthy.

Whats so unhealthy about it? Ive done it a couple of times in my life when dealing with very unworkable, aggressive, or troublesome people. What do you do?

I try to forgive and go the second (or third) mile, sometimes enlist the assistance of others to try to make peace. Some relationships do sort of naturally fall by the wayside but I can't think of any time where I've just deliberately decided to cut someone out of my life.

i believe ken, and believe he speaks for lots of others in his response. after all, he/they put up with me,

Anthony, i think you’re jumping around a bit wrt who-what-when-where-HOW you (let’s say, discriminate).
The discussion began with parents, it’s expanded from there. (Not just you.)

There are people i avoid, for sure. Some in my close family.
My brother has talked with me about a couple. He presumed i was hating - not at all! It’s entirely possible to love and want the best for others, while also keeping a respectful distance. Your words, “very unworkable, aggressive, or troublesome people” are important. Respectful distance can give relationships time to learn better and do better, heal, if need be.

Parents, as specified in scriptures, hold special places in our lives. Even when not physically present. For whatever reason.
Children of incarcerated people still need their parents.

The latest science finds biological links that begin at conception, then endure. A miscarried baby or aborted baby, leaves bio changes in his/her mother for life. So much still unknown.

Without using these words, my mother modeled, “love the sinner, hate the sinl.”
It’s a big maturity step to become adept at separating the sin from the sinner. It doesn’t mean accept the sin.

An aside, i suggest you take an Anthropology 101 course if you can. Esp in person.
i’ll hedge, cause i took it about 50 years ago, who knows what’s being taught today? i shudder to think.

For me it was an eye opener to how the traditional family is close to universal, and important to humankind.
i don’t believe that was the exact goal of the class. i noticed. As a Christian i credit God’s design, i credit Him for all creation everywhere.

In this case, how various cultures and faiths treat parents, grandparents, elders, is interesting to consider.

The contemporary west’s “logic” of the beauty of estrangement is (unlikely to work well over time).

In my view, the contemporary west is an immature society. It’s unknown and unknowable if it will become along-lived society.
There will be many tests ahead. i’m not sure if we’ve hit adolescence in the grand scheme of things. It feels like it.
We may still be in toddler years.

[Thomas_muntzer]

This seems popular with young people, i have certainly done “low contact” with my parents after moving out. They were not abusive but it seemed like a healthy thing to do. As a gen z convert I am slightly horrified by anabaptist families and how close they are. Normally this arrangement seems dysfunction to me and the parents restrict the children / are too involved in their kids lives

In my case, as a seeker, I wouldn't use the word "horrified" but rather "surprised." There may be things that one personally considers an intrusion, but the fact that parents are involved in their children's lives is truly positive, especially regarding finding a partner. The secular world considers it absurd for a son or daughter to ask their parents for permission or advice about their future partner, but it's the healthiest and most beneficial thing a young person can do

[Danielwal]

My personal take on this (It’s just my take on this.) is that there are two extremes on this. At the one end, there are people who cut off relationships because they disagree with other person in the relationship. I think that is not good because community won’t happen if we don’t have long-term, stable relationships with people who can speak into our lives. But, at the same time, I think there can absolutely be cases where abusive people (or other types of people) make it so that being in a relationship with them does not encourage good in us, and we can’t handle it. Then, it might be good to step away. I just don’t think it’s an either/or.

[R7ehr]

What is hope does reconciliation and peacemaking have with no contact? What does the path to restoration look like? Is there one? Or do you just not worry about that little biblical principle, and keep moving?

If the “bad person” does actually change, how will you behave then? Is true repentance not possible for these bad people? Is my quiet grudge at that point actually a grudge, but instead some sort of modern redefinition?

Or is there a scenario that you are waiting on, where if “A” happens, then you will do “B”?
I understand ignoring someone. What I can’t get onboard with is what sounds like blanket, forced, one sided, permanent, no contact, where there is nothing the other person can change that will restore any semblance of decency and good manners on your part. God has his hand extended towards us. We have a part to take hold of His hand. Can I do the same?

My experience on this topic, is that I have two siblings on the other side if the country who to varying degrees have no contact with anyone in our family. I saw them both a year ago, first time in over 10 years. One was a great visit. One was not.

[Danielwal]

I’m wondering if you think that there isn’t a way to step back from a relationship that can be Biblical? Sorry if that’s a loaded question. I agree with you that reconciliation is important. Thanks for helping me think about that side. I hadn’t really been thinking about that.

That said, what if reconciliatory efforts fail? How do you think we should respond then?

[JohnH]

I’m wondering if you think that there isn’t a way to step back from a relationship that can be Biblical? Sorry if that’s a loaded question. I agree with you that reconciliation is important. Thanks for helping me think about that side. I hadn’t really been thinking about that.

That said, what if reconciliatory efforts fail? How do you think we should respond then?

I always keep the door to reconciliation open.

[Ernie]

A new article from WSJ.
https://www.wsj.com/lifestyle/relations ... _permalink

This article says that therapists are now more inclined to recommend clients cut off contact with parents vs. try to help them resolve issues with parents. Some takers who fell for this now have regrets.

After decades of urging families to communicate better and work on their issues together, some therapists are now taking an opposite tack: They’re encouraging estrangement as a means of self-care...

Most therapists agree that sometimes people are justified in breaking ties with their parents or a close relative, especially if they were physically or emotionally abusive.

What’s changing now is the bar for what is deemed abusive enough for a cutoff. “We are in a culture where we emphasize fragility, everything becomes trauma, and the solution increasingly is to split and leave,” says William Doherty... “But it should be the tragic exception that you cut off a parent or loved one, not business as usual in therapy.”

[anndet92]

An Increasing Number of Children Estranged from Parents in the West

https://www.theguardian.com/australia-n ... s-beckhams

https://knowablemagazine.org/content/ar ... trangement

https://theweek.com/culture-life/no-con ... trangement

Might this be a Gospel opportunity for Conservative Anabaptists with good homes? I'm thinking of coming along side these folks and helping them work through their issues.

This is my opinion, and it’s not going to be popular in this forum…but here goes:

I think before conservative Anabaptists try to reach out to estranged children, they should first require repentance and humility from the abusive parents in their own culture who have estranged children.

If my kids ever come to me and tell me that I hurt them in ways that have made it hard for my kids to be in my presence, I hope and I pray that I will, in humility, repent.

Just because my intentions were good does not mean my actions were not harmful. As a parent, I’m still growing too. I’m still learning. Humility on my part is needed.

Humility would a long way in these cases of parent/child estrangement.