mennonitemom1 wrote: ↑Thu Apr 13, 2023 5:00 pm
what is an unacceptable age difference? What if the man is the older one and what if the woman is the older one?
I asked earlier if I could know the reasons you’re asking, but since you are after all, Mennonite Mom, I’m guessing maybe it has to do with your own children.
So… on the chance that perhaps you have a teen who is wishing to date someone significantly older than them, and you are wondering whether that would be wise, I will give my thoughts on that. I myself was a teen who dated, and married, someone much older. So my advice comes with that in mind.
First, I don’t think this is something where you can make a rule and apply it to everyone. As a parent that can be difficult, and seems unfair to the children, but each child is unique. Some people are much better prepared to handle the responsibility that will come with a relationship with an older person.
I also think the PA state laws for age of consent are a good guide. A person below the age of 18 can not be in a relationship with someone who is more than 4 years older than them.
As a parent I would want to make sure my child doesn’t get rushed or pressured into getting married before they feel ready just because their partner is significantly older. And if you sense that is happening then it’s time to have some difficult conversations. And if you suspect that the older one might push for that then it would be fair to bring it up at the beginning. Let him/her know that you will not be ok with your child getting married at a young age just because one is older and ready for it.
I would also want to make sure my child doesn’t have a relationship that feels off balance, where the older person has extra power in the relationship because of their age. That is something that wouldn’t happen automatically but it could with certain personalities. It could also be a factor if the older has much more disposable income. There’s always going to be imbalances in a relationship, but you will probably know whether your child is one who will do ok or not.
I guess a lot of this is related to whether your child has a personality that is strong enough to withstand the possible pressures placed on them by an older person. Or whether the older person has a domineering personality where they are going to exploit a young malleable person who they can mold into their ideal partner.
Now, the second part of your question has to do with whether the man or woman is older. Personally, I just can’t see why any woman over the age of 25 would ever date a guy under the age of 20. Sorry, but I think it’s fairly well understood that men tend to mature slower than women, and I just feel like the maturity level would be extremely unbalanced. But as I mentioned, everyone is different. And I’m sure there are some really mature young guys out there who are ready for that. And I feel like if the guy is younger there would be fewer power imbalances just because of the societal norms around men and women and hierarchy. So in some ways a young man might feel far less pressure from an older woman than a young woman would with an older man.
So, does it make a difference which gender is older? It makes a difference in what kind of problems might occur, but other than that, I think it’s something best handled on a case by case basis, and not by the gender makeup.
Now, if you really want actual ballpark numbers, here it is: someone under the age of 20 shouldn’t be with anyone more than 10 years older, even though that gap is likely to large for many. After the age of 20, the gap shouldn’t be larger than 20 years, once again that gap being too large for most. After 30 you can go wild.
