A year of living.

[Wayne in Maine]

One of my regrets is not being able to visit you in your home in Maine. Our plan had been to do an eastern province trip last summer and then swing down that way. Of course that all got cancelled.

We regret that we’ve had so few visitors here in Maine. Unfortunately time’s running out on having guests. We are probably going to completely empty out the second floor of our house (bedrooms / guest rooms). In the next few weeks. We plan to live sparsely until we resettle in PA. We’ll have a guest room there and are looking forward to visitors (but don’t expect Lobster!)

[Wayne in Maine]

My wife’s boss was surprised when she told him I was flying out to Minnesota to a gathering of friends, given my illness. She reminded him that I am living after all!

I’m at camp Koronis with Dan Ziegler’s family and 4 carloads of Kleinsasser’s, including my daughter and grandchildren. More are coming today and tomorrow. It’s such a treat and blessing to be here!

[Wayne in Maine]

I had a fine time at Camp Koronis with what is essentially my church (an Anabaptist Diaspora). The travel and a bad flare up of arthritis in my knee slowed me down during my time there, but I especially enjoyed chatting with old friends, singing and entertaining my grandchildren. The brothers and sisters held an anointing for me on my last evening there. It was something I thought to ask for but one of the brothers beat me to it by suggesting it. I like when the Spirit moves among us in that way.

We sang a peculiar mix of songs in the evening, everything from Bruderhof songs to Sacred Harp tunes to folk songs from "Rise Up Singing". An odd choice of songs was Bill Stain's "River Song", Dan Zeigler did not know that that song was one of "our songs" for my wife and I when we met almost 45 years ago. I recorded it and it brought tears to Betty's eyes (she could not attend our gathering in Minnesota).

We sang two songs from one of the Bruderhof books that I recall as special favorites from "J." one of the few people at the Bruderhof whom I could say was an actual friend there. He loved the stars and astronomy. A couple verse:

1 Evening star up yonder,
Teach me like you to wander
Willing and obediently
The path that God ordained for me!
Evening star up yonder!

5 Evening sun descending,
Teach me, when life is ending,
Night shall pass and I, like you,
Shall rise again where

And:

1 The beautiful stars of the evening sky
Shine sparkling and clear from above.
They tell of the wonder of space and time
Of an orderly universe whose design
Was made by our Father for all of His own,
Was made by our Father in love.

4 Space goes on forever; our minds so small
Cannot understand it at all
We only can follow a path each day
Like the planets in orbit we must not stray
From the plan that our Father has made for His own,
Has made for His children in love.

Singing those songs and seeing a post on-line from another ex-Bruderhof novice finally prompted me to write to my astronomy loving friend. I had not, of course, heard from him for over 25 years. And the last I hear of him his attitude toward me had been poisoned by the falsehoods and rumors spread by the former elder. I have, essentially, been "under the ban" at the Bruderhof since I left.

I wrote J. an email starting with an incident long ago when we were exchanging watch one evening (I was going on night watch as he was finishing supper watch). It was a starry night and I commented concerning my watch duties that I could envision a host of angels with fiery swords standing guard on the ridges above our little valley. He commented "but are they facing outward or inward". I never forgot that in all the turmoil the Bruderhof communities when through in the next few years.

My email got through and J. called me from the community. We had a really fine chat - like old friends catching up on 25 lost years. He remembered the time when I was a guest I had given him a book on astronomy and lent him my 35 millimeter camera to get pictures of his family. We talked about reconciliation between people seeking the kingdom of God together and exchanged some photographs in our next email correspondence.

One gift that has been given to me in this year of living is the desire, in as much as it lies within me, to be at peace with all men. I want to be at peace with my old comrades at the Bruderhof and these contacts (others are being made on my behalf) will, I hope, make peace not only between me and J. but might extend to many others inside and outside that Brotherhood. This is my prayer: "Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace..."

"Like the planets in orbit we must not stray
From the plan that our Father has made for His own,
Has made for His children in love."

[gcdonner]

Some things that we have held so dear and felt so strongly about, seem to disappear in His presence.
Struggling through Covid right now has helped to clarify some of my vision...

[Wayne in Maine]

And sometimes I get discouraged...

I try to be authentic, and truly I am content and cheerful - yielded to God's path for my life. But I think often my state of mind and appearance is taken for a sign of my actual state of health. I look and sound healthy but at the same time there are moments when I feel very, very sick, and even in my healthiest state I have a very low physical capacity.

I cannot be productive at a time when there is so much to be done. I have received offers for help but unfortunately many offers are impractical (I need people in Maine to help me with a chore in the afternoon, not Pennsylvania) or not fulfilled. And I'm often I'm in a state where I don't need "help", rather I need someone to "do".

This is frustrating as I have always been the sort of person who just jumps in to get the job done. When I was a new student at Essex Aggie we had to round up some pigs that had gotten loose in the swamp by the campus. While other boys tried to stay clean and chased the piggies around trying to grab them by the I-don't-know-what-they-were-trying-to-do I simply tackled the first muddy, slimy pig that was chased by me and hauled him off to the pen. That's always been my way of doing things - get in there and get it done. But more and more I can't do that. On my worst chemotherapy days I get dizzy standing up and a going up and down flight of stairs leaves me breathless. I think too my family is conditioned to Dad just jumping in to get the job done. If you can't find something just whine - dad will find it!

So after overdoing it yesterday and having another couple cancellations / reductions on help I just got bummed out. We have to get our old house ready for sale - pretty much empty in 5 weeks (two of which will be lost to me due to chemotherapy). Everyone says "don't worry, everything will get done", but progress is slow and promised help is thin. My theme last night, as I reclined feeling exhausted (from doing nothing!) "Promises and platitudes won't get the job done!"

While I trust in the Lord and am submitted to His will, nevertheless I must also learn to lament as the Psalmist, not in anger, but because God is our strength and comfort in our brokenness:

Hear my prayer, O LORD; let my cry come to you!

Do not hide your face from me
in the day of my distress!

Incline your ear to me;
answer me speedily fin the day when I call!

For my days pass away like smoke,
and my bones burn like a furnace.

My heart is struck down like grass and has withered;
I forget to eat my bread.

Because of my loud groaning
My bones cling to my flesh.

I am like ma desert owl of the wilderness,
like an owl1 of the waste places;

I lie awake;
I am like a lonely sparrow on the housetop.

[gcdonner]

And sometimes I get discouraged...

I try to be authentic, and truly I am content and cheerful - yielded to God's path for my life. But I think often my state of mind and appearance is taken for a sign of my actual state of health. I look and sound healthy but at the same time there are moments when I feel very, very sick, and even in my healthiest state I have a very low physical capacity.

I cannot be productive at a time when there is so much to be done. I have received offers for help but unfortunately many offers are impractical (I need people in Maine to help me with a chore in the afternoon, not Pennsylvania) or not fulfilled. And I'm often I'm in a state where I don't need "help", rather I need someone to "do".

This is frustrating as I have always been the sort of person who just jumps in to get the job done. When I was a new student at Essex Aggie we had to round up some pigs that had gotten loose in the swamp by the campus. While other boys tried to stay clean and chased the piggies around trying to grab them by the I-don't-know-what-they-were-trying-to-do I simply tackled the first muddy, slimy pig that was chased by me and hauled him off to the pen. That's always been my way of doing things - get in there and get it done. But more and more I can't do that. On my worst chemotherapy days I get dizzy standing up and a going up and down flight of stairs leaves me breathless. I think too my family is conditioned to Dad just jumping in to get the job done. If you can't find something just whine - dad will find it!

So after overdoing it yesterday and having another couple cancellations / reductions on help I just got bummed out. We have to get our old house ready for sale - pretty much empty in 5 weeks (two of which will be lost to me due to chemotherapy). Everyone says "don't worry, everything will get done", but progress is slow and promised help is thin. My theme last night, as I reclined feeling exhausted (from doing nothing!) "Promises and platitudes won't get the job done!"

While I trust in the Lord and am submitted to His will, nevertheless I must also learn to lament as the Psalmist, not in anger, but because God is our strength and comfort in our brokenness:

Hear my prayer, O LORD; let my cry come to you!

Do not hide your face from me
in the day of my distress!

Incline your ear to me;
answer me speedily fin the day when I call!

For my days pass away like smoke,
and my bones burn like a furnace.

My heart is struck down like grass and has withered;
I forget to eat my bread.

Because of my loud groaning
My bones cling to my flesh.

I am like ma desert owl of the wilderness,
like an owl1 of the waste places;

I lie awake;
I am like a lonely sparrow on the housetop.

Under the circumstances (I am in full Covid right now with NO strength to do anything...) perhaps some concessions with the buyer might be in order, and even perhaps "rent" some help if finally necessary to get things finished off in Maine. How about reaching out to one of the communities up there for a day of labor help? There are Mennonite groups within driving distance of you, perhaps one of them would help if they knew of your plight. As I have faced the reality more than once, in the final editing of the day, the living will have to deal with the aftermath. I know I will not always be there to "git r done".

[JimFoxvog]

...

We sang two songs from one of the Bruderhof books that I recall as special favorites from "J." one of the few people at the Bruderhof whom I could say was an actual friend there. He loved the stars and astronomy. A couple verse:

1 Evening star up yonder,
Teach me like you to wander
Willing and obediently
The path that God ordained for me!
Evening star up yonder!

5 Evening sun descending,
Teach me, when life is ending,
Night shall pass and I, like you,
Shall rise again where
...

I know and like this one. I learned it from some friends who were hoping to join the Bruderhof but were turned away.

[Wayne in Maine]

Enjoying a good “day 9”. I got up early to catch up on some reading and writing then rented a pallet Jack (it was forgotten) to load the truck ( in about an hour) that carried 1/4 of our earthly goods to our new home in PA.

After my PET scan (I fell asleep on the table!)! I had a good lunch and a nap. Then I mowed the path back to our “waterfront” which included some pick and shovel work.

It feels good to feel normal!

[Wayne in Maine]

Yesterday Betty and I celebrated out 44th wedding anniversary. We had to drop our daughter off at the airport in Boston, so we followed the coast up along the familiar beaches and headlands of Massachusetts Bay all the way to Rockport and Gloucester, where I even found the name of my Grandmather's father on the Fisherman's memorial. The routes we took were all familiar to me in my youth and in the early days of our marriage when we lived in Salem. It was a nostalgic day trip indeed.

[MaxPC]

Yesterday Betty and I celebrated out 44th wedding anniversary. We had to drop our daughter off at the airport in Boston, so we followed the coast up along the familiar beaches and headlands of Massachusetts Bay all the way to Rockport and Gloucester, where I even found the name of my Grandmather's father on the Fisherman's memorial. The routes we took were all familiar to me in my youth and in the early days of our marriage when we lived in Salem. It was a nostalgic day trip indeed.

Blessings on your wedding anniversary. It sounds like it was a wonderful way to celebrate.