Poll: Age for Dating and Marriage

[JohnH]

The churches I frequent don't have an age. In Lancaster I have noticed a marked tendency to start earlier with many being married by/at 19/20. In my growing up circles it was several years older than that and not uncommon to be mid to later 20s. I myself was 24.

Whenever somebody asks for my advice, which isn't that often, I recommend waiting until more like 21 to start dating and a several years later re marraige.

But I am not a legalist about it. People can do what they want...there are different ways to skin the cat.

The recommendation for re-marriage several years after the first date seems a bit unusual.

Well, marriages just don’t last as long as they used to. I recall one of Britney Spears’ lasting for 90 hours or so.

[mike]

Present-day Mennonites seem to be horrified at the idea of their young people dating at VS or other similar things like Faith Mission Home.

Young folks at FMH can and sometimes do start dating while there. Fellow staff not allowed, though.

[Ernie]

I included age 14 on the poll, because a couple from Saudi Arabia joined us for an overnight camping over the weekend. The wife was 14 when she got married and they had a child soon thereafter. The couple seemed to love each other and enjoy being together.
This made me wonder why Anabaptists have continued to raise the "expected minimum age for marriage" over the years. I favor age 22 as a minimum for marriage but I can't say it is inappropriate to marry earlier.

In New Testament Jewish culture, it seems that it was not uncommon for people to marry at age 14 and if the NT writers thought this was inappropriate, they would have said so. Instead, Paul encourages younger women to marry and gives no age.

My reason for age 22 is that I think it is wise for young people to be able to become more spiritually mature before getting married, and I think getting a wider range of work and ministry experiences before getting married is a good thing.

My reason for age 20 for dating is that anyone age 20 and older who complained in the desert couldn't go to the promised land. Seems to me that if this is God's age for "adulthood/full accountability", that maybe it is wise for a person to be an adult before they start seeking a lifelong partner.

[JohnL]

We don't really set specific age restrictions as each family has to decide about whether the child exhibits enough maturity to date or go to youth events. What we do as a church is to teach the youth that youth events are acceptable. One on one dating should wait until later in young adult life and preferably to a attend a group event. Biblical chastity is also taught.

[JohnH]

My reason for age 22 is that I think it is wise for young people to be able to become more spiritually mature before getting married, and I think getting a wider range of work and ministry experiences before getting married is a good thing.

Interesting. This seems to me to be an absorption from the broader culture that marriage is a "capstone" to be performed once one is otherwise fully mature and has a wide range of life experiences, as opposed to the more traditional view is that marriage is more like a gateway into becoming mature, and one should have experiences with their spouse. For example, a wide range of work and ministry experiences can be had after one is married.

When fully embraced, it looks like a life path of college from 18 - 21; pursue career from 21 to 30 or so; think about getting married in one's 30s, but make sure to date a few years first, then be engaged at least 2 years (probably with cohabitation involved); get married around age 35 - 40. Then wait another 5 years (at least) to have kids so that the married couple can adjust to married life after being single for so long.

The obvious question is that if this is what God wanted us to do, why he didn't design our bodies to work this way. God didn't design our bodies to wait to have children until we are 45; indeed it seems the design is quite the opposite.

When I look at a culture that embraces family and marriage like Swartzentruber Amish, they aren't concerned at all about getting married "too early" or being "mature" before being married, but rather view marriage (and having children) as something that will cause maturity. They also do not think it's a bad thing for young people to like each other and want to date.

[Ken]

Since we've been going down endless rabbit holes here, must we define what a "date" actually is? Is double-dating still an actual date?

Again, most likely a topic for another day

If you are going to make rules about it then yes, actually you must.

These days most mixed-sex socializing among young people (high school age or younger) isn't 1:1 dating. It is kids hanging out together in small groups. Which can happen at school, summer camps, music events, sports, work, youth groups etc. And social media has made that into a 24/7 thing. Although teenagers talking on the phone isn't really a new thing either. In the 50s teenagers were notorious for spending hours on the phone too and little bothers would be pests and listen in on the second line.

I think a lot of adults are fixated on the sex part (and keeping teens from being alone together) when a lot of teenage dating really isn't about that.

Our church doesn't have any explicit age rules about either dating or marriage beyond what society and the law mandates. And doesn't push people into relationships and marriage at an early age. Personally I think 18 is an absolute minimum age for marriage and over 21 is strongly recommended. Our world is hugely more complex than it was in Biblical times. And I don't believe kids under the age of 18 have the maturity and experience to independently navigate the adult world of work, housing, finance, child rearing, etc.

[JohnH]

And I don't believe kids under the age of 18 have the maturity and experience to independently navigate the adult world of work, housing, finance, child rearing, etc.

An open question is how is it that people at age 16 or 14 used to have the maturity and experience to independently manage things like working, taking care of children, taking care of their finances (including during the Depression), literally buying or building a house, and so on - things that now many in their 20s are unable to do.

[JohnH]

We don't really set specific age restrictions as each family has to decide about whether the child exhibits enough maturity to date or go to youth events. What we do as a church is to teach the youth that youth events are acceptable. One on one dating should wait until later in young adult life and preferably to a attend a group event. Biblical chastity is also taught.

Odd. The Baptists and Free-Will Baptists I have known just date like normal people do. Dating is common amongst high school age kids. Youth events are generally done more as an outreach to the community versus something to make church kids socialize with each other.

I have not observed Baptists or Free-Will Baptists to generally have a position that "one on one dating" should wait until "young adult life" and preferably be at group events.

I do agree that "biblical chastity" is certainly taught and expected.

Note, my experience with Free-Will Baptists is primarily limited to Appalachian area around TN/NC, so maybe it's different in other places.

[R7ehr]

Advertisement from 1875 era:

CHANCE FOR A SPINSTER. - A young man in Aroostook County, Maine, advertising for a wife, speaks of himself as follows:
"I am eighteen years old, have a good set of teeth, and believe in Andy Johnson, the star- spangled banner, and the 4th of July. I have taken up a State lot, cleared up eighteen acres last year, and seeded ten of it down. My buckwheat looks first- rate, and the oats and potatoes are bully. I have got nine sheep, a two-year- old bull, and two heifers, besides a house and barn.
I want to get married. I want to buy bread and butter, hoop skirts, and waterfalls for some person of the female persuasion during life. That's what's the matter with me. But I don't know how to do it."

Imagine an eighteen year old in today’s economy being this accomplished in terms of housing, self sufficiency and farming.

[joshuabgood]

And I don't believe kids under the age of 18 have the maturity and experience to independently navigate the adult world of work, housing, finance, child rearing, etc.

An open question is how is it that people at age 16 or 14 used to have the maturity and experience to independently manage things like working, taking care of children, taking care of their finances (including during the Depression), literally buying or building a house, and so on - things that now many in their 20s are unable to do.

I don't know...for years the age of adulthood in the USA was universally 21. You couldn't even vote, buy drinks, etc...until that age.

They only switched the voting age to 21 when they realized that they were drafting 18 year old boys to fight and die in a war that they couldn't even participate in deciding democratically.

To this day it makes no sense that one can "decide" to fight for their country and maybe die, but they "can't" decide to have a beer, at age 18.