Reticence to Discuss as opposed to Coverup in Sexual Abuse cases

[Wade]

I think it comes down to communication and trust.

I try as much as possible to be open with my children about as much as possible. However I do not go into details. More I focus on gaining their trust that they should always come to me or their mother if something seems, feels, or sounds wrong. And if I do anything that makes them feel this way then they need to go tell their mother and vice versa. It is the closest people and relatives that can hurt children the most.

I teach them they are guilty by association if they don't leave when something isn't right no matter who it is- and then come tell us right away so we can help. Sometimes maybe they could say or do something but they are young enough it maybe better for them to come ask our help.

We need to gain their trust and make them comfortable so they can share with us - they can only do that as much as they follow our lead in doing that with them, in my opinion.

We can do all this without saying words like sex, sexual abuse, or whatever.

We don't have many close friends out here without a biblical church but last summer our 12 year old son had the opportunity to sleep in a tent at a CA's home with some other boys a couple years older. Not very long and he was inside. I asked him what was wrong and he said the other boys were talking about farting in each others mouths. The look of relief and comfort that I saw in my sons face when he could be honest with me was a peace filled look that made all the effort to communicate and gaining his trust worth it.

I had never talked to my son about what these boys were talking about as being wrong. No need to, just teach him to not let exciting opportunities like friends and camping override standing up for right and listening to your conscience.

[Josh]

If one looks my thread about Genesis 38, scriptures about sexually explicit topics obviously are not popular to discuss here on MennoNet. I would argue plain people have a cultural problem where certain biblical topics make them very uncomfortable.

I would be shocked to ever be in a plain church service where Song of Songs would be read out loud. I did attend a Holdeman service once where Song of Songs 3 was read by the preacher, but he skipped over a number of verses even though the content of them was relevant to his message.

[RZehr]

We don't have many close friends out here without a biblical church but last summer our 12 year old son had the opportunity to sleep in a tent at a CA's home with some other boys a couple years older. Not very long and he was inside. I asked him what was wrong and he said the other boys were talking about farting in each others mouths.

Not criticizing you, I don’t know your circumstances in that account.
I would have went out there and kindly reminded those boys to stop talking that way. I have an 11 year old boy and they need to be held to a standard. If those boys don’t want to be friends with my boy because of me, so be it. I don’t want that them to be my sons friends either then. If they sheepishly received my admonition, good.
I’ve realized that I am not intimidated by teenagers, and I am not their peer or buddy. My job is to help them become better people.

I regularly ask my son if him and/or his friends are using bad words like that, or discussing things they shouldn’t be.

[Wade]

We don't have many close friends out here without a biblical church but last summer our 12 year old son had the opportunity to sleep in a tent at a CA's home with some other boys a couple years older. Not very long and he was inside. I asked him what was wrong and he said the other boys were talking about farting in each others mouths.

Not criticizing you, I don’t know your circumstances in that account.
I would have went out there and kindly reminded those boys to stop talking that way. I have an 11 year old boy and they need to be held to a standard. If those boys don’t want to be friends with my boy because of me, so be it. I don’t want that them to be my sons friends either then. If they sheepishly received my admonition, good.
I’ve realized that I am not intimidated by teenagers, and I am not their peer or buddy. My job is to help them become better people.

I regularly ask my son if him and/or his friends are using bad words like that, or discussing things they shouldn’t be.

Your right.

Taking those moments to say something really could steer a person in the right direction, thank you for advice and the reminder.

I actually think my boy did handle the situation better than myself. I hesitated being at someone else's home, their own father was there but I didn't end up saying anything... Thank God some times our children step up and do better than my lead.

My brother-in-law(19 years old) was over with some friends(18 and 17) at our house a bit ago and after one of them used the Lord's name in vain I rebuked the one that did. They all looked quite uncomfortable. But later my mother-in-law actually stated that she heard them discussing the respect they had for me in speaking out even though they weren't Christian.

[Szdfan]

Part of the reason I am interested in this is because I have children and want to navigate this properly. I do not see the need to tell my younger children the details of sex or of what sexual perverts are doing. But I want to tell them what will help them to recognize and avoid situations of abuse.

As a parent, I also share this concern. There are age appropriate resources to teach children safety without going into details about sex. Rather than discussing sex directly, they might instead discuss the difference between “good touch” and “bad touch.” What age groups are you looking for information for?

[mike]

Part of the reason I am interested in this is because I have children and want to navigate this properly. I do not see the need to tell my younger children the details of sex or of what sexual perverts are doing. But I want to tell them what will help them to recognize and avoid situations of abuse.

As a parent, I also share this concern. There are age appropriate resources to teach children safety without going into details about sex. Rather than discussing sex directly, they might instead discuss the difference between “good touch” and “bad touch.” What age groups are you looking for information for?

I would say pre-adolescent. After that point I think it is good to talk pretty frankly with children about the topic.

[Szdfan]

I would say pre-adolescent. After that point I think it is good to talk pretty frankly with children about the topic.

Ok. I’ve put some feelers out, I’ll let you know if I get some recommendations.

[Ken]

We don't have many close friends out here without a biblical church but last summer our 12 year old son had the opportunity to sleep in a tent at a CA's home with some other boys a couple years older. Not very long and he was inside. I asked him what was wrong and he said the other boys were talking about farting in each others mouths.

Not criticizing you, I don’t know your circumstances in that account.
I would have went out there and kindly reminded those boys to stop talking that way. I have an 11 year old boy and they need to be held to a standard. If those boys don’t want to be friends with my boy because of me, so be it. I don’t want that them to be my sons friends either then. If they sheepishly received my admonition, good.
I’ve realized that I am not intimidated by teenagers, and I am not their peer or buddy. My job is to help them become better people.

I regularly ask my son if him and/or his friends are using bad words like that, or discussing things they shouldn’t be.

Your right.

Taking those moments to say something really could steer a person in the right direction, thank you for advice and the reminder.

I actually think my boy did handle the situation better than myself. I hesitated being at someone else's home, their own father was there but I didn't end up saying anything... Thank God some times our children step up and do better than my lead.

My brother-in-law(19 years old) was over with some friends(18 and 17) at our house a bit ago and after one of them used the Lord's name in vain I rebuked the one that did. They all looked quite uncomfortable. But later my mother-in-law actually stated that she heard them discussing the respect they had for me in speaking out even though they weren't Christian.

One technique I've learned as a teacher is to simply say "we don't do that here". A kid is picking on another kid: "John..we don't do that here" A kid is swearing in class: "John..we don't do that here" A kid is throwing spitwads: "John...we don't do that here" A kid is speaking disparagingly about another ethnic group: "John...we don't do that here" And so forth. You don't have to turn every little thing into a major case. Sometimes you do need to. But often you just need to nip something in the bud and move on with the lesson.

It is an easy one-size-fits-all rebuke for the kind of situation you are are talking about without needing to go into a lot of explanation or argument or discussion. They ALWAYS know what you are talking about and if the kid wants to argue the response is "John, you DO know better. We don't do that here" and then you move on.

[Szdfan]

I would say pre-adolescent. After that point I think it is good to talk pretty frankly with children about the topic.

Ok. I’ve put some feelers out, I’ll let you know if I get some recommendations.

Dove's Nest is a Mennonite affiliated organization that provides resources and curriculum for preventing sexual abuse in churches and affiliated organizations. They are already working with conservative and plain Anabaptist groups -- they had a training for Old Order Mennonites and Amish in New York last May.

You may want to check out their Resources page, which lists a lot of different curriculum and resources. You might find the resources under the "Parenting" headline helpful. They also list recommended reading for both adults and children. My contact recommended the book, "God Made All of Me" for small children.

Good luck, I'd be interested in what resources you find helpful.