Poll: Age for Dating and Marriage

[Grace]

I'm not so interested in the "when" question.

I'm more interested in the "why" question.

If your church has a particular age for dating and marriage. Say 16 or 18 or 21, WHY?

As in why THAT particular age?

I think in most cases the churches don't make the guidelines, but the parents do. However, there are some unspoken guidelines that many follow. Generally, the guideline made by parents is that one must have graduated from high school before dating. There are some cases where the young people might have a special friend before that but just get to be with them in a group setting. When they have graduated, which is around age 18, they officially start dating. Marriage usually follows about two years later, around twenty.

[JohnH]

It would logically follow that more conservative groups that stop higher education at grade 8 or age 16 wouldn't have that constraint (so OO Amish, Holdemans, and a few other groups like more conservative Beachys.)

[R7ehr]

We haven’t any church “rule” in our group of churches. But the generally accepted minimum age to begin dating is 18. This is up to the family to enforce. But I suppose if someone started at 17, it wouldn’t necessarily be a huge cause for concern, just remarkable in its rarity. I think my parents were married at 17 and 18.

and is the generally accepted minimum age for marriage, 20?

I suppose. I expect no one would disapprove of 19, although it’s rare for a boy to be that young. As long as the parent is in support, I think everyone else would be too.

[mike]

I've never seen any official minimum age for dating or marriage in our church. We seem to have an unofficial minimum age of 18 to start dating, although this could just be something set by the parents. I assume it's just one of those cultural traditions that nobody really knows the origin of.

[R7ehr]

The “finish high school” idea seems like a good place to look for the origin of the 18 number. Don’t drop out of school to get married. That, and it is a legal age that the couple won’t need their parents to sign stuff for them.

[the-real-steve]

Since we've been going down endless rabbit holes here, must we define what a "date" actually is? Is double-dating still an actual date?

Again, most likely a topic for another day

[mike]

The “finish high school” idea seems like a good place to look for the origin of the 18 number. Don’t drop out of school to get married. That, and it is a legal age that the couple won’t need their parents to sign stuff for them.

Maybe that's it.

VS work has an impact on dating and marriage age. It's a good idea for a young person going into VS to have just a bit of maturity, and 18 can be a bit young. And if they spend a year or two in service it can really push off any plans for dating and marriage in many situations. Our second oldest son spent a year and a half in VS and is 22 and isn't working on any of that at this point. Our oldest son first dated his now-wife when she was 19; neither of them served. Communities that place a high value on young people doing VS will probably see dating and marriage ages a bit older on average than they would otherwise be.

[joshuabgood]

The churches I frequent don't have an age. In Lancaster I have noticed a marked tendency to start earlier with many being married by/at 19/20. In my growing up circles it was several years older than that and not uncommon to be mid to later 20s. I myself was 24.

Whenever somebody asks for my advice, which isn't that often, I recommend waiting until more like 21 to start dating and a several years later re marraige.

But I am not a legalist about it. People can do what they want...there are different ways to skin the cat.

[ken_sylvania]

The churches I frequent don't have an age. In Lancaster I have noticed a marked tendency to start earlier with many being married by/at 19/20. In my growing up circles it was several years older than that and not uncommon to be mid to later 20s. I myself was 24.

Whenever somebody asks for my advice, which isn't that often, I recommend waiting until more like 21 to start dating and a several years later re marraige.

But I am not a legalist about it. People can do what they want...there are different ways to skin the cat.

The recommendation for re-marriage several years after the first date seems a bit unusual.

[JohnH]

The “finish high school” idea seems like a good place to look for the origin of the 18 number. Don’t drop out of school to get married. That, and it is a legal age that the couple won’t need their parents to sign stuff for them.

Maybe that's it.

VS work has an impact on dating and marriage age. It's a good idea for a young person going into VS to have just a bit of maturity, and 18 can be a bit young. And if they spend a year or two in service it can really push off any plans for dating and marriage in many situations. Our second oldest son spent a year and a half in VS and is 22 and isn't working on any of that at this point. Our oldest son first dated his now-wife when she was 19; neither of them served. Communities that place a high value on young people doing VS will probably see dating and marriage ages a bit older on average than they would otherwise be.

Back in the Vietnam War era, people often met a special friend at VS, dated there, and then got married.

Present-day Mennonites seem to be horrified at the idea of their young people dating at VS or other similar things like Faith Mission Home.