The Big Green Egg and Cheese

[JohnL]

There’s a newly retired couple that moved in last March and started coming to our little church. He was some kind of engineer and she will tell anybody who will listen that she was president of half a dozen fundraising organizations. When their 4900 sq ft house was finished and the two of them moved in I took a welcome gift of a pound of my smoked cheese and my wife gave them a casserole. Mrs. City Wife asked if the casserole was gluten-free. My wife said it was King Ranch Chicken Casserole. I suspect that their labrador had it for supper and breakfast. We see them in church on Sundays and Wednesday nights but the rest of the week we only see Mr. City Feller. He says his wife is on a pickle ball team down Asheville way.

Fast forward to this past Sunday. At about 4:30-ish I get a call from Mr. CF. He said he needs some help and advice on making my smoked cheese. I get over there and the Mrs. won’t look me in the eye. He leads me out to his back deck where he has one of the those brand spanking new $4000 Big Green Egg rigs. This thing was huge.

Mr. CF said he was so impressed with my smoked cheese that he thought he would try making some for relatives when they come to visit over the holidays. When he opened the lid I nearly choked. There on the grill was about 10 lbs of cheese looking like one of those Salvador Dali clocks. It was dripping into the coals and was a right hardened mess.

Mr. CF: What did I do wrong?
I told him that cheese is done with no fire just a cold smoke process. (I had a twitch by then from trying to keep from laughing). How long has it been in there?

Mr. CF: I left it for 2 hours. How can I get this cheese off my grill?
I told him that I didn’t have any other ideas than to get a chisel and a blow torch. By this time I needed to leave before I started rolling on floor.

Mr. CF turned peak-ed and I excused myself back home. Last night at Wednesday church service I spotted Mr. CF by himself and went to ask him if he solved his grill problem.

Mr. CF turned red in the face.
- It was solved for me. I left the grill on the back deck to cool overnight and to give me time to figure out how to clean it. About 2 am I heard this big crash and looked out the window. A bear and two cubs had knocked the grill over and it shattered. It looks like they were after the cheese.

I said “Oh. Is it covered by insurance? How’s your wife taking it?”

Mr. CF: No insurance doesn’t cover it. I checked. My wife decided to go visit her two sisters for a week.

I told him “Well now that will give you some time to come up with a forgive and forget plan. What kind of vacation has your wife always wanted to take?”

Mr. CF: She’s always wanted to go to Europe and do a grand tour of Switzerland, Austria and Italy.

I advised him to make reservations now because this one’s going to need a really big trip. I'd even add Greece to the list if I were you for the sun. I guess he went home to talk to Expedia.

[Robert]

I would have no idea how to smoke cheese either, but doubt I would put a block on the grill.

I did enjoy your story.

[JohnL]

I would have no idea how to smoke cheese either, but doubt I would put a block on the grill.

I did enjoy your story.

Glad you enjoyed it. The City Feller isn’t ready to see the humor in losing a $4000 grill yet, if ever. I feel sorry for him but I’ll never forget the sight of all that melted cheese. I still get to chuckling over it.
There's plenty of vids and how-tos online for learning - just look up “instructions to cold smoke cheese.”
I’m guessing the engineer didn't think of that.

[JohnH]

I don’t think I’d ever make such a mocking post in public of someone who is visiting / regularly attending my church.

Perhaps someone should show this post to him so he can learn how the people at the church they are attending actually feel about them.

[JohnL]

Saw Mr City Feller at church yesterday with his wife. She was bubbly happy telling my wife about her early Mother’s Day gift of getting to go on her dream trip this April.

I winked and gave a thumb's up to Mr CF. He returned the gesture. I told him that’s a great story to tell their adult sons if they ever rub their wives the wrong way. He laughed and said “I already told them.” I said, “We never stop learning,” then showed him the links to how to cold smoke cheese. He’s also not going to replace his Big Green Egg. He’s decided an inexpensive smoker grill will be a better bear-resistant option.
“Good man”, I told him.

[R7ehr]

This idea of a spouse doing some costly dumb thing, being righted by spending more money unnecessarily on the other spouse, is a quite odd notion, I find.
I mean if I make a dumb financial decision, how is it fixed by making another?
I know that it may be a commonplace mentality or practice, but I don’t get it.

[JohnL]

This idea of a spouse doing some costly dumb thing, being righted by spending more money unnecessarily on the other spouse, is a quite odd notion, I find.
I mean if I make a dumb financial decision, how is it fixed by making another?
I know that it may be a commonplace mentality or practice, but I don’t get it.

Most likely it’s because you and your wife come from a culture that emphasizes forgiveness. Mr CF and his wife come from a culture where affluence influences marriages and status, sad to say.

He told me that once before he’d forgotten an important anniversary. It seems she can be angry for quite awhile. To make it up to her he took her to Hawaii for a week. That’s why I suggested her dream trip because he’s able to successfully chill out her anger that way. It’ll take time but I’m hoping they’ll stay and to bring them into a more Biblical pov. We’ll see.

I still can’t unsee the globs of melted cheese though. Oh the humanity!

[R7ehr]

I would have probably melted the cheese too, if I’d have tried it.
But I did once make lox. I caught the salmon and the lox turned out a step above bad. I got it too salty.

[JohnL]

I would have probably melted the cheese too, if I’d have tried it.
But I did once make lox. I caught the salmon and the lox turned out a step above bad. I got it too salty.

Cold smoked cheese is a lot simpler than lox I’m thinking. If it weren’t simple I probably wouldn’t do it.
I’m not too fond of fish even though there’s plenty of trout in streams around here. When I fish, I’ll eat it battered in corn meal and fried and served with a side of cole slaw.

[JohnH]

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Most likely it’s because you and your wife come from a culture that emphasizes forgiveness. Mr CF and his wife come from a culture where affluence influences marriages and status, sad to say.

He told me that once before he’d forgotten an important anniversary. It seems she can be angry for quite awhile. To make it up to her he took her to Hawaii for a week. That’s why I suggested her dream trip because he’s able to successfully chill out her anger that way. It’ll take time but I’m hoping they’ll stay and to bring them into a more Biblical pov. We’ll see.

I still can’t unsee the globs of melted cheese though. Oh the humanity!

Thanks for airing the marital troubles of a couple who visit your church on a public forum.