Russian Mercenaries Steal Putin's Podium in Brazen Coup Attempt
MOSCOW — In a shocking turn of events, the mercenary army known as the "Wagner Group" stole Vladimir Putin's official podium in a brazen coup attempt.
"We've done it!" cried mercenary soldiers as they carried the podium out of the Kremlin. "For the Motherland!"
News of the podium's seizure spread quickly across the globe, with several outlets reporting that Putin's dictatorial reign had come to an end. "Putin has lost the podium -- I repeat, Putin had lost the podium. It's over, folks," announced MSNBC anchor Lawrence O'Donnell. "Control of the Russian government now belongs to that jolly-looking mercenary who carried the lectern out of the Kremlin. We are also hearing that Putin's refrigerator full of Smirnoff Ice has been raided."
Despite the loss, sources within the Kremlin report that Putin remains firmly in control. "It was just a dumb podium," said Russian Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu. ...
Falco Knotwise wrote: ↑Mon Jun 26, 2023 9:31 am Russian Mercenaries Steal Putin's Podium in Brazen Coup Attempt
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MOSCOW — In a shocking turn of events, the mercenary army known as the "Wagner Group" stole Vladimir Putin's official podium in a brazen coup attempt.
"We've done it!" cried mercenary soldiers as they carried the podium out of the Kremlin. "For the Motherland!"
News of the podium's seizure spread quickly across the globe, with several outlets reporting that Putin's dictatorial reign had come to an end. "Putin has lost the podium -- I repeat, Putin had lost the podium. It's over, folks," announced MSNBC anchor Lawrence O'Donnell. "Control of the Russian government now belongs to that jolly-looking mercenary who carried the lectern out of the Kremlin. We are also hearing that Putin's refrigerator full of Smirnoff Ice has been raided."
Despite the loss, sources within the Kremlin report that Putin remains firmly in control. "It was just a dumb podium," said Russian Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu. ...
NEW YORK CITY, NY — In order to save the environment from the intoxicating smell of delicious New York pizza cooked in a woodfire oven, Mayor Eric Adams has announced that all pizza must now be cooked under the hand dryer of a public restroom.
"Our planet is dying, and will die sooner if we don't clean up our air immediately," said Adams to a crowd of outraged Italian immigrants. "My chain-smoking Grandma raised me down the street from a pizzeria, and now my second cousin has asthma. The pizza is to blame."
Sources say Adams was forced to retreat after getting pelted by overripe tomatoes.
Environmental activists who don't live in New York praised the move. "New York has the finest and most environmentally friendly bathroom hand dryers in the country," said Greenpeace President Binx Duggley from his private pizza kitchen in the east wing of his mansion. "Just think of the authentic New York flavor you'll get from all that subway fecal bacteria being warmly sprayed all over your cheese pizza! Yum! Tastes just like New York!"
The city also announced it will pull hundreds of NYPD cops from fighting crime and protecting subway riders to instead inspect restaurants for any sign of not properly cooking pizza under a New York hand dryer.
At publishing time, local mafia bosses had put out a contract to have Mayor Adams whacked.
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