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barnhart wrote: ↑Sun Oct 18, 2026 2:36 pm My experience is they can be quite tribal, relationship is everything. This can feel to an outsider like they are not reliable because it is important for them to agree with you and say yes to things they can't or don't intend to do. Saying no is a far greater social offence then not following through.

I considered commenting on this earlier, but didn't because if I "defend" these people, then it will appear that I am defending lying and dishonesty. But as Barnhart points out, societies (cultures and world views) that place an almost primary importance on relationship will be placed in a hard place by people who are perceived as asking (often somewhat forcefully, or with great emotional appeal) for them to take some certain action, or agree to something of which they are not yet convinced, this is culturally dishonest of those doing the asking. At best, it is done due to cultural ignorance; at worst, it is culturally abusive.

In the context of missionary activity, something like an emotional appeal in an "altar call' is extremely unwise, because it pits the 'target culture' person's own value of relationship against the spectacle of a 'bold faced lie'. As Barnhart points out, the person will choose the relationship over the lie. Right or wrong, Western Christianity does often place more importance on truthfulness than it does on relationship. Personally, I would want to avoid putting this type of loose-loose pressure on another person. The best they can do is to attempt to change the subject, or avoid answering in some other way. But for the relationship-oriented person, pleasing the other is of paramount importance, so they do as Barnhart described - they verbally agree to something with which they do not intend to follow through. Again, personally, I think that the main 'blame' lies on the person who is pressuring for a verbal agreement where no real agreement exists. I can understand how the 'once saved always saved' evangelist gets to this point of a forceful 'invitation', but for those who realize that salvation involves a great deal more than a one-time verbal agreement, it is unconscionable.

In some cultures (I've heard this specifically in reference to East Africa, but it likely applies elsewhere) one even has to be careful when asking for directions. If you say "my map says the bus station is six blocks ahead on the left, is that correct?" a stranger on the street will agree that it is. But if you say "I'm not sure where the bus station is, can you help me find it?" he will tell you to turn right and go two blocks, and sure enough you will find it there. The first response is not considered a lie or misdirection, even though it will take you far out of the way and may even cause you to miss your bus, but it would be considered impolite to disagree with a (presumably rich and powerful) white stranger and try to correct him.

Building cross-cultural relationships requires humility and an openness to understanding others.

Just to be clear, I did not start this topic, so I also didn't name it.

I would not say that the people in these relationship-centered cultures regard what they are saying as being 'truthful'. I suspect that they are conflicted, but they are compelled by their culture's central values to tell an un-truth. It isn't that they don't want to tell the truth - they are 'forced' to tell the untruth in order to show respect toward the other person, and to thus not endanger the relationship they have (or want to have) with them.

(Not that these people never intentionally tell a lie - just that if they are 'cornered' by a question that forces a decision to tell the truth or a lie, if they feel that their relationship with the other person would be endangered by being truthful, then they will tell the lie. And, their culture heavily leans on them to conclude that they must do everything they can to not take a chance of offending their friend. I am also not saying that this is not a cultural flaw. There are good and bad sides to both cultural extremes, those who will risk everything to tell the truth, and those who will tell a lie in order to NOT risk the loss of the relationship. I can think of times when I personally caused emotional pain to someone with whom I had a close relationship because I told the truth. Sometimes I did so almost completely unthinkingly, and on other occasions I felt compelled to tell the bold truth, usually after unsuccessfully attempting to evade the question.)

I will give them a little but of grace, but I think these are cultural flaws that need to be brought in line with Jesus teaching, in the same way a lot of other unGodly cultural details need to be changed.

R7ehr wrote: ↑Mon Oct 19, 2026 7:04 pm I will give them a little but of grace, but I think these are cultural flaws that need to be brought in line with Jesus teaching, in the same way a lot of other unGodly cultural details need to be changed.

Yes, we are all fallen human beings, so every culture is also fallen.

Neto wrote: ↑Mon Oct 19, 2026 6:51 pm I would not say that the people in these relationship-centered cultures regard what they are saying as being 'truthful'. I suspect that they are conflicted, but they are compelled by their culture's central values to tell an un-truth. It isn't that they don't want to tell the truth - they are 'forced' to tell the untruth in order to show respect toward the other person, and to thus not endanger the relationship they have (or want to have) with them.

It seems to me we have somewhat similar conflicts in our culture. We have all faced questions where we were conflicted between telling the truth as we see it or telling a lie to preserve the relationship or trying to find a diplomatic in-between answer. “Does this dress make me look fat?” (Our culture values thinness) “How old do you think I am?” ( our culture values youth) “Could you use some help?” (Our culture values self-sufficiency.

On the one hand, the Sermon on the Mount says "Let your yes be yes and your no be no."

On the other hand, a question like "How are you?" as a greeting from a cashier is often not actually the question at hand. It is merely a greeting.

JohnH wrote: ↑Mon Oct 19, 2026 8:01 pm On the one hand, the Sermon on the Mount says "Let your yes be yes and your no be no."

On the other hand, a question like "How are you?" as a greeting from a cashier is often not actually the question at hand. It is merely a greeting.

Yes, and 'we' often say "Fine", even when it isn't really that way.

Neto wrote: ↑Mon Oct 19, 2026 9:06 pm

JohnH wrote: ↑Mon Oct 19, 2026 8:01 pm On the one hand, the Sermon on the Mount says "Let your yes be yes and your no be no."

On the other hand, a question like "How are you?" as a greeting from a cashier is often not actually the question at hand. It is merely a greeting.

Yes, and 'we' often say "Fine", even when it isn't really that way.

Yes, usually the people on both sides of that question understand the real intention. And when someone asks do I look fat they are not inquiring about their body mass index, rather they are looking for confirmation that they are not unattractive.

While we would not lie to a foreigner asking for directions to the bus, we easily might “lie” by answering their serious inquiry about our wellbeing with “fine”.

Wesleyb wrote: ↑Mon Oct 19, 2026 9:35 pm While we would not lie to a foreigner asking for directions to the bus, we easily might “lie” by answering their serious inquiry about our wellbeing with “fine”.

A lie is attempting to deceive others.

I've been battling Lyme and other ailments for ten years. I don't enjoy thinking about my ill health and prefer not to talk about it. But I haven't found a good answer for those who ask how I am doing when I prefer to talk about pleasant things rather than my ill health.

Sometimes I say, "I'm doing ok." This will generate a variety of responses depending on how familiar they are with my situation.
Sometimes I say, "I'm enjoying life." This is giving an answer that doesn't really answer the question but often satisfies some people.
If it is someone who really cares about me, I might say something like, "Today is not so good." or "This is not one of my better days."
Occasionally, if someone knows nothing about my health, I might say something like, "I'm doing well." And when I say that, I am referring to everything except my health but I don't bother to explain that.

I'm guessing you are talking more though about someone wondering how we are doing spiritually or emotionally, who has reason to be concerned, and we don't really want to be honest with them?