Marrying Someone With a Promiscuous Past

[Signtist]

Therefore, it is not worth taking steps to mitigate a risk that is almost solely due to promiscuity. As far as girls marrying a guy with a promiscuous past… many (I’d say the majority) of girls in my church circles would be unwilling to do so.

An interesting statement made by Josh caught my eye. I wonder if the door swings the other way as well? Would most guys be unwilling to marry a girl they knew had a promiscuous past? Is this true of everyone?

[Ken]

Therefore, it is not worth taking steps to mitigate a risk that is almost solely due to promiscuity. As far as girls marrying a guy with a promiscuous past… many (I’d say the majority) of girls in my church circles would be unwilling to do so.

An interesting statement made by Josh caught my eye. I wonder if the door swings the other way as well? Would most guys be unwilling to marry a girl they knew had a promiscuous past? Is this true of everyone?

How would they know? Most people don't disclose their complete sexual history to the women or men they are dating. Even in small insular communities there is a lot that goes on in private. And people often seek it out beyond the borders of their communities.

[silentreader]

Therefore, it is not worth taking steps to mitigate a risk that is almost solely due to promiscuity. As far as girls marrying a guy with a promiscuous past… many (I’d say the majority) of girls in my church circles would be unwilling to do so.

An interesting statement made by Josh caught my eye. I wonder if the door swings the other way as well? Would most guys be unwilling to marry a girl they knew had a promiscuous past? Is this true of everyone?

Probably pretty difficult to make the "most guys" statement stick for various reasons. Do know for a fact though, not "all guys" are unwilling where the promiscuity is past, and repented of.

[Judas Maccabeus]

Therefore, it is not worth taking steps to mitigate a risk that is almost solely due to promiscuity. As far as girls marrying a guy with a promiscuous past… many (I’d say the majority) of girls in my church circles would be unwilling to do so.

An interesting statement made by Josh caught my eye. I wonder if the door swings the other way as well? Would most guys be unwilling to marry a girl they knew had a promiscuous past? Is this true of everyone?

Losing your virginity the unforgivable sin? And what qualifies as “promiscuous?” It only takes once to transmit disease.

My suspicion is that “nice” girls are more likely to get infected. Truly promiscuous ones likely know how to take precautions.

Does grace and forgiveness ever get extended?

[Josh]

Losing your virginity the unforgivable sin? And what qualifies as “promiscuous?” It only takes once to transmit disease.

"Promiscuous" in my own circles would mean just once. I am using the term in general to refer to someone who engages in fornication, adultery, and sodomy, whether with 1 other participant or more.

My suspicion is that “nice” girls are more likely to get infected. Truly promiscuous ones likely know how to take precautions.

I'm not sure what that means. The expectation in our circles is that fornication is a very serious sin and is taken seriously. The spiritual consequences of it are far more important than the risk of getting an STD. When one fornicates, commits adultery, etc., one immediately forfeits one's salvation. What if you get hit by a car on the drive home?

Someone who serially commits fornication over and over with many other people, or other unspeakable acts, may indeed take "precautions". But from what has been relayed to me, most young couples to decide to fall into sin often take precautions as well - trying to avoid pregnancy is a rather high priority. Pregnancies out of wedlock are extremely rare. I can think of exactly one, and that was a person who had already left our church, was not interested in living or portraying a Mennonite lifestyle at all, and was regularly partying and drinking.

Does grace and forgiveness ever get extended?

Yes. Jesus forgives us for all our sins. In addition, as Mennonites we forgive those who sin against us.

That does not mean, however, someone is somehow obligated to marry someone regardless of whatever choices they have made in the past. Choosing not to marry someone who has a history of drug addiction, alcoholism, a history of beating their girlfriends, etc. is not what I would describe as "unforgiving". Someone has to be comfortable with the person they're marrying. (Perhaps God would show a person and make that person feel it is his will they marry someone with, say, a history of alcoholism, and in that case such a person might submit to God's will, but that seems quite different from a blanket expectation of "You should extend grace and forgiveness to former drug addicts, wife-beaters, and fornicators and must be willing to show so by being willing to marry them.")

Now, I will simply say what I understand to be the case in my own circles. I can't necessarily speak to how other men might feel. I am just relaying what I have been told by women within our own circles (and what some men have told me they think is how many women would feel).

Most women (especially younger women) have dreamed of the family they want to have, Christian home, wedding, etc. for many years. They have not dreamed of going and engaging in fornication, nor of marrying someone with a past of fornication. Marrying someone with a past of fornication (or adultery or sodomy) is a very difficult thing to accept, particularly for a younger woman. They want the security of being with someone who has only been with them.

This is not all women, of course, and older women are often a bit more comfortable with men with a past. Likewise, some women have a past as well, and would generally be more comfortable with a man with a past. They may even prefer such a partner so that there can be mutual understanding of each other.

A seeker with a past who joins our circles needs to understand this and accept it. Whether a man or a woman, if you have a past and join our circles, you should not have a blanket expectation that someone born and raised in the culture with little exposure to the grave sin in the world has some obligation to want to marry you. You are certainly free to ask, and they are certainly free to turn you down for any reason they wish. (Somewhat related to this, seekers who join need a healthy understanding that perhaps they shouldn't be chasing girls 15 years their junior and instead look for opportunities to attend older singles rallies and meet people closer to their age.)

[Josh]

How would they know? Most people don't disclose their complete sexual history to the women or men they are dating. Even in small insular communities there is a lot that goes on in private. And people often seek it out beyond the borders of their communities.

In our circles, we generally have an expectation that we tell each other the truth, and in my own church groups, intentionally telling a lie is a death sin that immediately forfeits one's salvation. People who are sincere Christians don't lie to each other.

If a young man (or not so young man) has a history such as a prior marriage, a history of fornication, sodomy, and so forth, his minister would know about this, and if he sends a girl a proposal, you can be assured the minister will relay that information to the girl's minister who carries the proposal. Most likely, her family will end up being informed as well, and they will help her make an educated decision.

The same is true in reverse. Far from marking someone with shame, it is helpful to understand what someone is getting into. (Another example of information that would be shared is that someone is a victim of abuse - perhaps severe abuse and from a family with major problems.) A man who wishes to marry such a girl needs to know what he is getting into and ensure he can be supportive of her and be accepting of those things. This isn't promiscuity, but is an important thing to be aware of. As opposed to just trying to "sweep it under the rug".

For the record, of people I have known who have promiscuity in their past... they seem to generally have been successful in eventually finding someone who wants to marry them... two people who want to get married have to be comfortable with each other, knowing everything about each other, and accepting both past and present.

[RZehr]

How would they know? Goodness, if you have this hidden, you for sure will not find anyone willing to marry you here. There is a certain level of openness and honesty expected. I guess you could just lie. But if anyone finds out, then you’re done.

In my circle, if a guy was known to have ever had premarital sexual relationships with anyone at all, a certain percentage of the girls would be unwilling to marry him. While I don’t know the exact number since we don’t do polls on it, I would hazard to guess it would be well over 2/3 of the girls. In fact I know of girls who would never even date a guy if it was known that he had struggled with pornography in the past.
I have no reason to think this is any different for boys/girls.

Is this right? Well on one hand I want to believe that repentance is possible and in that case I want to see them be able to find a good spouse. One the other hand, there is such a thing as consequences. If you grow up in this culture, and choose to fornicate any way, you aren’t ignorant of the cost. To whom much is given, much is required .

I do think that our young people would tend to be more forgiving and gracious to someone raised in the world. I know of one friend who married a single mother.

[Soloist]

I was one of those who didn’t tell until after marriage.

Stupid choice that plagued our marriage for years and anyone who did that should be put out of the church if they lack repentance. It’s a deep betrayal of what should be a lasting deep trusting relationship. Being upfront and honest at the beginning allows you to work through it and save the two of you a lot of pain. Getting married and then telling? How repentant can you possibly be? Oh of course you’re sorry… sorry of the consequences…
Better to risk them leaving than start with betraying.
Obviously you can work past it, and forgiveness can come… but sin takes a heavy price.

[Josh]

Here is another reason someone might not want to marry someone with a promiscuous past.

See, for example, [/quote]https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.117 ... X231155673[/quote]

We find the relationship between premarital sex and divorce is highly significant and robust even when accounting for early-life factors. Compared to people with no premarital partners other than eventual spouses, those with nine or more partners exhibit the highest divorce risk, followed by those with one to eight partners. There is no evidence of gender differences.

Someone who has had a promiscuous past is more likely to get divorced than someone who has remained chaste. So, if someone doesn't want to wake up one day and find out their spouse is leaving them, one of the best ways to do that is to marry someone who has been chaste until marriage.

God knows how are minds and bodies are designed and how they work best, and he knows that fornication and adultery destroy the very soul. There are many consequences to such sin, and one of them is a higher risk of another sin, that of divorce.

[Neto]

"What the LORD has cleansed, let no man call unclean." Is this difficult to accept? Yes.