Marrying Someone With a Promiscuous Past

[Bootstrap]

Marriage is always a great risk.

You really are entrusting your life to another person at a very deep level.

I have known various people who married a person with a promiscuous past who have had solid lifelong marriages. The past wasn't denied or hidden, it was repented of, and the person was living a new life. I've also known people in lifelong solid marriages who were unfaithful and who repented and have lived faithfully since then.

There are no guarantees. It would be most ideal if none of us made any bad decisions and only married people who never made any bad decisions but we don't live in that world. Jesus came for sinners.

I agree.

But I do think it is possible to get to know someone's character and values. It's easier if you listen to your friends and family, since you are probably a little blinded. And it's easier if you take your time. Prayerfully. Putting it in God's hands, and really listening.

[Bootstrap]

If you bring it up beforehand, maybe there’s a risk that the girl or the guy will reject you, but otherwise, you can work through it with a marriage counselor/pastor and I think that openness and honesty will reduce the chance of it ever coming back or otherwise affecting your marriage.

If you can't talk through that kind of thing together ... you will have difficulty talking about other hard things in your marriage. Working through these things ahead of time is one way to know a LOT that really matters.

[Judas Maccabeus]

Wife: funny story, but a chaplain told my husband not to get married to me, because I could end up becoming a flaming alcoholic because of my mom. He pointed out that I didn’t even drink, and thankfully ignored that grouchy old man.

I don’t think a guy wants to be told on his wedding night that the girl he is marrying isn’t actually a virgin, and the same goes for girls. Pornography or other sins are similar. It sort of robs a person of their choice if you keep secret until you’re already married, and I think it leaves an opening for future issues/falling back into sin. If you bring it up beforehand, maybe there’s a risk that the girl or the guy will reject you, but otherwise, you can work through it with a marriage counselor/pastor and I think that openness and honesty will reduce the chance of it ever coming back or otherwise affecting your marriage.

As for promiscuity, it might at least give the girl a heads up if a baby mama comes around sometime, or if she feels like she wants to get an hpv shot for example.

I remember a great sermon about marriage that one of the ministers did a while back, and he mentioned that while he was courting, he was afraid to tell his girl about his past (probably pornography) because what might she think of him, but he did, and she said she loved him more for it. Having a past isn’t necessarily a showstopper for several people, but any good marriage is built on honesty.

I would agree here. And add there is a big difference between a single incident, and what had become a lifestyle choice. I would be more willing to overlook the former than the latter.

[Neto]

An interesting statement made by Josh caught my eye. I wonder if the door swings the other way as well? Would most guys be unwilling to marry a girl they knew had a promiscuous past? Is this true of everyone?

As a man, this was the angle from which I was viewing the entire question. I knew a girl in Bible college, who, early in our acquaintance made a comment to me sort of under her breath. I wasn't sure what she said, and she wouldn't repeat it. But I think she said that I was treating her better than she deserved. I wish that I had said something like "If you said what I think I heard, then 'What God has cleansed, let no man call unclean'," as per my earlier response here. Over the years of our friendship (she was never romantically interested in me, although I was in her for some time, until I finally 'got the message', and we then continued to be just good friends) I saw some other guys try to 'take advantage of her' in subtle ways. Frankly, it made me mad. God is good at redemption. He does it totally, if we allow him to.

None of that has anything to do with whether or not someone should be expected to marry someone they don't want to.

Someone with a past, still has a past. Grace and redemption doesn't mean it never happened. If someone has a history of abusing children, but has since repented, I still wouldn't have them babysit my kids. That is not the same thing as being "unforgiving".

It is also interesting the repeated attempts to somehow make this a gendered thing... when in reality as far as I know, in plain circles, both men and women prefer to marry someone who is chaste. I don't think it is specific to men or women at all. There is no "double standard" here.

I saw some other guys try to 'take advantage of her' in subtle ways.

In plain circles, fornication and immorality is wrong regardless of whether a man or women does it, and it doesn't matter to whom it's done. It's always wrong and will separate you from God and Jesus' kingdom.

It's time I came back to this to "defend" my college friend. There was no "fornication and immorality" involved. When I wrote the earlier part, I didn't think it was necessary to spell it all out, and preferred not to be specific. But apparently I should have. So here's what happened (that I saw) - unwelcome touching. One guy kept putting his hand on her leg, and she kept pushing it away.

Another guy came up to my second cousin from behind and put his hand over her mouth, then kissed the back of his hand - to make it look like he kissed her on the lips. (She was very indignant, and upset - rightfully so, I think. He defended his actions, thinking it was funny, and OK because he "didn't actually kiss her".)

As I was going up the stairs and passed a guy & his girlfriend talking (arguing, it turned out) I heard him tell her to "cool her t...." I should have stopped and told him not to treat my sister like that. (Sister in Christ.) All of this reveals the attitude that many men had, and have, toward women.

That's the reason why, if someone asked me, gender IS involved. Sure, there are some disrespectful women out there, there were some back then, too. But I think that it is pretty standard that in the past at least, more men (who had really "played the field" before) didn't want that type of girl when they were ready to marry, than there were men who "understood" the same attitude of reluctance coming from a girl. That is, there were obvious double standards.

Jesus trusted Peter, the denier. Ananias (of Damascus) was apprehensive, and even protested, but in the end he trusted Saul (Paul) the persecutor. Likewise Barnabas, who was the only one who trusted Saul enough to have anything to do with him. The others agreed to meet with him, probably only because Barnabas "went to bat" for him. If people waited until they were 100% sure about someone else, they would never marry. (A couple of years ago, well, in June it'll be two years - I was talking with a couple of older single Beachy guys. The older one told me that he'd like to get married, but he was 'afraid', because it's a final decision, and you don't know until you know. The Scripture teaches us to "marry within the faith". If you want to be really sure, you have to wait until the other person dies in the faith, then you know that it would have been alright to marry them.)

I have more to say about this, but I already mistakenly submitted it once. and my time is probably running out to edit it.

[steve-in-kville]

Therefore, it is not worth taking steps to mitigate a risk that is almost solely due to promiscuity. As far as girls marrying a guy with a promiscuous past… many (I’d say the majority) of girls in my church circles would be unwilling to do so.

An interesting statement made by Josh caught my eye. I wonder if the door swings the other way as well? Would most guys be unwilling to marry a girl they knew had a promiscuous past? Is this true of everyone?

Not to split hairs but... I wanted to mention this way earlier in the thread, so here goes: In my mind, there is a big difference in a person being "promiscuous" and a young person taking a relationship too far and regretting it.

Being promiscuous is being on the hunt to "hook up" with any random person. Don't feel like I should need to get into too much more detail this early in the morning

[Josh]

Therefore, it is not worth taking steps to mitigate a risk that is almost solely due to promiscuity. As far as girls marrying a guy with a promiscuous past… many (I’d say the majority) of girls in my church circles would be unwilling to do so.

An interesting statement made by Josh caught my eye. I wonder if the door swings the other way as well? Would most guys be unwilling to marry a girl they knew had a promiscuous past? Is this true of everyone?

Not to split hairs but... I wanted to mention this way earlier in the thread, so here goes: In my mind, there is a big difference in a person being "promiscuous" and a young person taking a relationship too far and regretting it.

Being promiscuous is being on the hunt to "hook up" with any random person. Don't feel like I should need to get into too much more detail this early in the morning

Well, it depends. In the world, promiscuity is considered a virtue, not a sin.

I would actually say a worldly person with a promiscuous past who becomes a Christian probably has better character than a lifelong Christian person who “took a relationship too far”, as they did something they knew was wrong to do.

For worldly people it is taught it’s a very bad idea to marry someone before sleeping with them and living with them and likewise it’s taught it’s a good idea to sleep with quite a few people before marrying one of them.

[steve-in-kville]

For worldly people it is taught it’s a very bad idea to marry someone before sleeping with them and living with them and likewise it’s taught it’s a good idea to sleep with quite a few people before marrying one of them.

Marriage as a whole has been downplayed in general society. The sanctities thereof are almost nonexistent. It is truly sad.

[Josh]

For worldly people it is taught it’s a very bad idea to marry someone before sleeping with them and living with them and likewise it’s taught it’s a good idea to sleep with quite a few people before marrying one of them.

Marriage as a whole has been downplayed in general society. The sanctities thereof are almost nonexistent. It is truly sad.

The main focus is on not getting divorced. Thus you should sleep and live together first to make sure you’re “compatible”… as if any man and women are compatible with one another…

[Valerie]

For worldly people it is taught it’s a very bad idea to marry someone before sleeping with them and living with them and likewise it’s taught it’s a good idea to sleep with quite a few people before marrying one of them.

Marriage as a whole has been downplayed in general society. The sanctities thereof are almost nonexistent. It is truly sad.

The main focus is on not getting divorced. Thus you should sleep and live together first to make sure you’re “compatible”… as if any man and women are compatible with one another…

And yet I have heard that the divorce rate is higher among those who had lived together prior to marriage.

[steve-in-kville]

I think it is unfair how society views promiscuity between men and women. If a guy sleeps with a dozen women, he's a stud and idolized in a sense. If a lady does that, she's labeled as being "easy" or worse.