Reticence to Discuss as opposed to Coverup in Sexual Abuse cases

[mike]

There is an angle on sexual abuse scandals that I have been thinking about and trying to put into words. I don't remember having seen much if any discussion on it.

We all know about the plethora of accusations not only in the current CAM issue but in many other cases of coverup of sexual abuse among Conservative Anabaptists (focusing on that for the purposes of this thread). These accusations are certainly not without merit in my opinion.

However, there is an aspect of conservative Anabaptist culture that I think deserves mention and also some discussion about its pros and cons. I believe that some of what passes for "coverup" is simply a cultural reticence to discuss sexual matters explicitly, as opposed to being a sinister conspiracy to hide wrongdoing.

We live in a larger American culture where expressions of sexuality are everywhere. There is little about the topic that is not discussed openly in front of young children. The entertainment industry thrives on it. Music and movies and printed literature that are easily accessible often have sexual themes, explicit lyrics and scenes. People are so accustomed to it that they don't even think about it. I once started watching a classic movie with the family because it was recommended by so many "good folks," which contained sexual references to the extent that we shut it off soon after it started.

In contrast, many Anabaptists want sexual topics to be a sacred or secret thing, and prefer especially for young children not to know the details of sex let alone of sexually deviant behaviors. And so there is a reticence to discuss sexually related topics in public.

To those looking on, this often appears as a coverup or conspiracy to hide wrongdoing. Lack of broadcasting the details of the behavior of deviants can make it appear that the perpetrator is getting off without consequences.

I believe coverup and hiding of wrongdoing does happen and is completely wrong, as is a perpetrator of abuse going without any sort of consequences. However, I believe there are other reasons for the reticence among Conservative Anabaptists that are worth mentioning and discussing.

I expect that there will quickly be much condemnation of this cultural reticence, but I am hoping this will trigger some conversation about its possible merits, and of what it may look like for a community to be both honest and transparent about sexual issues and also discreet and protective of its children in its treatment of these topics.

Part of the reason I am interested in this is because I have children and want to navigate this properly. I do not see the need to tell my younger children the details of sex or of what sexual perverts are doing. But I want to tell them what will help them to recognize and avoid situations of abuse.

[steve-in-kville]

Mike,

I understand the angle you are taking here, and I also agree it needs to be discussed, especially for those of us with teenagers.

Sex is a sacred thing between a man and his wife. That we can all agree on. The balancing act comes with how much should be discussed in front of children. I know of churches that had excessively high rates of moral failings mostly among its grown men and teen boys. Why? Because sex was cast in a bad light, almost forbidden, other than to make children.

And of course, teenagers will wonder what is so wrong with something that feels so good! And then they begin to experiment for themselves and unwanted pregnancies are the result.

I could go on, but that's all I have time for now.

[joshuabgood]

I agree. Detail aren't needed. Victims should remain anonymous.

What can't happen is life go on as if nothing happened. The abuse must be reported, and there must be consequences for the abuser.

My feeling is this CAM debacle will substantively alter forever the "non-reporting culture" of our conservative communities. That is good. It is just too bad that it came at the expense of so many victims.

[steve-in-kville]

To those looking on, this often appears as a coverup or conspiracy to hide wrongdoing. Lack of broadcasting the details of the behavior of deviants can make it appear that the perpetrator is getting off without consequences.

Its human nature to put a "spin" on whatever it is we don't agree with or like. The media has been doing it since forever. Its how we gossip. The more you try to control information, the worse the gossip will be.

When it comes to moral failings in the plain culture that you speak of, its like playing "whisper down the lane" with adults. The details are usually not in plain view and so we tend to fill in the blanks with assumptions and read between the lines. Its in our nature.

[mike]

I think Paul describes the tension between exposing sin and being discrete about details in Ephesians 5.

Eph. 5:6 Let no one deceive you with empty arguments, for God’s wrath is coming on the disobedient because of these things. 7 Therefore, do not become their partners. 8 For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light— 9 for the fruit of the light results in all goodness, righteousness, and truth— 10 discerning what is pleasing to the Lord. 11 Don’t participate in the fruitless works of darkness, but instead expose them. 12 For it is shameful even to mention what is done by them in secret. 13 Everything exposed by the light is made clear, 14 for what makes everything clear is light. Therefore it is said:

Get up, sleeper, and rise up from the dead,
and the Messiah will shine on you.

[RZehr]

Society is vulgar and wicked. While it is true that we are careful to discuss these things, is it really fair to look at society for comparison? We are to be looking to the Bible for guidance. And the Bible says to watch your language, and to let your speech be seasoned with salt, etc. And although many Menno's may not be able to articulate our carefulness in discussing these things, you are correct that it is in our culture.

Ephesians 5 is interesting on this matter. Verse 3 mentions sexual immorality being improper for Gods people, Verse 4 says we should not joke or talk about obscene things, Verse 7 says don't be partners with such people.

Then in Verse 11-12 there is a bit that may be particularly instructive to the CAM debacle.
Verse 11 says that while we ourselves shouldn't have anything to do with fruitless deeds of darkness, we should expose them.
Verse 12 says there is shame in even mentioning the evil that people do in secret. - This verse could be considered a foundational part of our cultural discretion that you are talking about.

So how do we obey verse 11, without breaking verse 10? How do you expose without talking about it? I think you are to talk about it, but not in a unnecessary manner.

Also, as is self evident with mankind, sexual impropriety of all kinds garner attention like no other topic. Since it is such an incredibly powerful topic, more powerful than any other, getting the fact wrong can do untold amounts of harm. And it is incumbent on us to handle it with more care. And yet handle it we must. We as Christians don't have the option of burying it or hiding it.

We are also much more familiar with these applicable verses than society is.

Ephesians 4:29 says Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Exodus 23:1 Do not spread false reports. Do not help a guilty person by being a malicious witness.

James 1:26 Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless.

Proverbs 10:19 Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues.

Edit. I didn't see that Mike had already posted.

[blackfriar]

I think there is a way to talk about specific cases sexual abuse, misconduct, etc, without it being salacious. As others have mentioned, I do think the Bible gives a good pattern of how to do this.

Examples would be the awful story in Judges 19-21, and the story of Tamar in 2 Samuel. In both cases, we are clearly told what happened, but aren't given gratuitous details.

I don't have kids, but I do think it's important to discuss sexuality with kids at an early age. I think I read somewhere that the average age for exposure to pornography is now somewhere between 6-8? It seems to me that not giving kids a framework with which to understand the sexuality that they will be bombarded with in our culture sets up them up to have a terribly warped view of it.

[Ken]

How you discuss this sort of thing with your children is one thing. This is not something new and there is a great deal of research and effort out there in the secular world related to age-appropriate discussions of child abuse and things like inappropriate touching. A lot of public schools are already doing it. Mostly it is limited to things like: "If someone touches you in a private place you need to tell another adult like a teacher or your parents. Even if the person doing it tells you that you need to keep it a secret" That sort of thing.

In this case, the more important discussion should probably happen between adults in the anabaptist organizations that come into contact with children. There should be some sort of mandatory formal training. Co-workers and volunteers should discuss scenarios. What are the warning signs to be aware of? What do you do if you suspect someone of abuse? Who do you report to? What does the law say? What does the organization's policy say? How do you protect yourself against unfounded accusations of abuse? And so on. Many organizations provide this sort of training. For the church-related organizations that deal directly with children (schools, summer camps, preschools, youth pastors, youth-related volunteer groups, mission groups, etc.) this sort of thing is probably long-overdue. And that is where it needs to start and where you start to change the culture. It will eventually trickle down. But you need to start someplace.

[mike]

I think there is a way to talk about specific cases sexual abuse, misconduct, etc, without it being salacious. As others have mentioned, I do think the Bible gives a good pattern of how to do this.

Examples would be the awful story in Judges 19-21, and the story of Tamar in 2 Samuel. In both cases, we are clearly told what happened, but aren't given gratuitous details.

I don't have kids, but I do think it's important to discuss sexuality with kids at an early age. I think I read somewhere that the average age for exposure to pornography is now somewhere between 6-8? It seems to me that not giving kids a framework with which to understand the sexuality that they will be bombarded with in our culture sets up them up to have a terribly warped view of it.

In your opinion, what should that framework look like?

[Josh]

Ezekiel 23 is pretty graphic and heavy on details. So is the Song of Songs and Proverbs 5.

I think the Bible should be our guide, and the Bible isn’t prudish. I also think it’s appropriate for older children to read the entire Bible, and teenagers and youth definitely should read the entire Bible.

That doesn’t mean we need to endlessly have crude conversations. But a certain level of realism about sexuality should be normal.