The Golden Child vs. the Black Sheep

[the-real-steve]

This topic has been on my mind a lot in the past weeks. It has also been a topic of discussion between my wife and I quite frequently. Both my wife and I have experienced it and continue to see it play out in so-called "loving Christian homes."

It's one thing for a parent to play favorites when it comes to their children, but breaks my heart when they hate on another child (I use the term hate because it certainly isn't love!).

I could give so many examples of this scenario in Anabaptist homes, some closer to us, some we watched from a distance; some in from the past, many present. The Golden Child can do no wrong and the Black Sheep can do no right. Unfortunately, when it starts young and never dealt with, it only gets worse as everyone gets older.

Most of the time it is a generational thing. But it takes one generation to stop it. When I see a parent challenged on it, there is always some excuse wrapped in a Scripture verse. terms like "tough love" used for the Black Sheep. And "he was such a good baby/helpful teenager/kind spirit/etc used for the Golden Child.

Feel free to share your thoughts on this. I am no where near exhausted on this topic. More to come later.

[Grace]

This topic has been on my mind a lot in the past weeks. It has also been a topic of discussion between my wife and I quite frequently. Both my wife and I have experienced it and continue to see it play out in so-called "loving Christian homes."

It's one thing for a parent to play favorites when it comes to their children, but breaks my heart when they hate on another child (I use the term hate because it certainly isn't love!).

I could give so many examples of this scenario in Anabaptist homes, some closer to us, some we watched from a distance; some in from the past, many present. The Golden Child can do no wrong and the Black Sheep can do no right. Unfortunately, when it starts young and never dealt with, it only gets worse as everyone gets older.

Most of the time it is a generational thing. But it takes one generation to stop it. When I see a parent challenged on it, there is always some excuse wrapped in a Scripture verse. terms like "tough love" used for the Black Sheep. And "he was such a good baby/helpful teenager/kind spirit/etc used for the Golden Child.

Feel free to share your thoughts on this. I am no where near exhausted on this topic. More to come later.

I am sorry, Steve, if you ever experienced being the black sheep. I never was a black sheep, but I experienced one in the family who was favored much more than the rest of us. The family member had everything handed over to him. The rest of us pretty much worked hard for what we had. The family member is now older and still thinks he is entitled to other people's money.

Hubby on the other hand WAS the black sheep and really struggled as a young person. When we married it was so evident, when some of his siblings still felt the need to put him down. He was so used to not defend himself and just kind of withdrew into a shell. However, those family members soon learned that hubby's wife wasn't going to stand for it.

[JohnH]

Look no further than horrific situations like the Jeriah Mast debacle.

Ardently defended by parents (and minister).

Always given “second chances”. Given opportunities others of us would never have. (CAM would never make me country director of Haiti in a million years.)

And we see the bitter end of “my golden child can do no wrong”.

[temporal1]

There is a nearly unbearable hell to helplessly witness some types of (psychological) abuse that you know are so awful, yet you can find no recourse to intervene, no matter how determined to make every effort to do so. Esp fearing the problem of doing more harm than good. Walking on eggshells.

Prayer is requisite, not negotiable. The need doesn’t go away.

- - - - - - -

Growing up, my parents were vigilant to avoid this, no matter what! i’m sure, with 6 of us, it had to be challenging!
They were resolute. i so admire them. The potential for dignity of humble people.

Occasionally, my mother would share tiny hints that our father experienced this, the black sheep son, his beloved younger brother was the golden child. i expect those older generations could be very hard on their children. We didn’t hear details. We got the message things could be serious. i’ve read some about those older generations, life could be rough. i’ve wondered quite a bit about it.

Unfortunately, my young uncle was killed soon after being drafted into WWII. Before i was born.
The sad remnants remained. My grandmother mourned him all her life, as did my father - his younger brother!
Imagine the burden of being the black sheep that survived, after the golden boy was killed, a war hero, forever young and precious.

It’s amazing how many haunting messages can be handed down - with almost no spoken words.

It’s a big deal.

[Valerie]

We probably all have witnessed this either in our own families or observation of others.

It seems line parents can seemingly use the golden child to encourage the other child or children to follow their example.

So I think of Cain & Abel- the first sibling rivalry.
God obviously blessed Abel for He was well pleased with his offering (and knew his heart)
Cain was envious of this favoritism and God gave him a solution he did not like & instead let the sin of envy tule & reign to where he was overcome to the point of murder.

Then we think of Joseph & his 11 siblings, Joseph being the golden child. This favoritism prompted envy in the others & we know where that led.

In both cases, should God, or Jacob, not shown pleasure with one child over the other?

We saw this with my sisters two daughters & I don’t think my sister realized her favoritism was obvious. Yet the golden child was truly so sweet & well behaved & the other daughter prone to selfishness & other more negative behaviors I think she just felt she couldn’t compete & now at 27 & 29 we see how it shaped their whole future.

So how to avoid the scenario of above examples?

[temporal1]

Valerie:
.. We saw this with my sisters two daughters & I don’t think my sister realized her favoritism was obvious. Yet the golden child was truly so sweet & well behaved & the other daughter prone to selfishness & other more negative behaviors I think she just felt she couldn’t compete & now at 27 & 29 we see how it shaped their whole future.

So how to avoid the scenario of above examples?

Parenting can be so difficult.
My parents, with 6, had numbers of challenges. They were determined not to let us divide them or thwart their goals! They were stubborn about their goals. Their goal was to love us all equally, even when we weren’t lovable. They were tested. Many times.

The pay-off comes with grandchildren. And, end of life. Our mother was so content in her last months with all of us present and cooperating and caring for her. She didn’t have an easy life, at all, ever. i think she felt pretty rich in her last months. more than she ever dreamed. No divisions. i’m glad i got to witness it!

That doesn’t just happen. It means, somehow, by the grace of God, you got it right.

[R7ehr]

https://youtube.com/shorts/ZQEs7qfn_1U? ... ZypV87-gzM

I appreciate how he makes his point.

[temporal1]

https://youtube.com/shorts/ZQEs7qfn_1U? ... ZypV87-gzM

I appreciate how he makes his point.

accurate.
“loving equally” doesn’t mean treating each child with robotic responses.
each child is unique, has different abilities and needs.

all of this, parent and child/children, is by God’s design.

no human could design with such infinite possibilities. just as (the honest) computer guys.

does each child know they’re loved? valued? respected? no matter which day it is.

[Soloist]

https://youtube.com/shorts/ZQEs7qfn_1U? ... ZypV87-gzM

I appreciate how he makes his point.

Wife: I love that. It reminds me of Alan Moyers paradoxical parenting talk. I do know that this happens and it’s something all parents should guard against, but sometimes what is perceived is not always what is true.

I also remember my dad’s girlfriend and her children always assuming my dad believed me over her children (obviously the living situation did not help set up good relationships), and my dad once very harshly interrogated me about some pot found in the laundry, and I think I even got some sort of discipline for it, and later he apologized because he believed me the whole time, but didn’t want to be accused of showing partiality. There was also the assumption that I was pulling the wool over Dad’s eyes in regards to relationships with males, but religious beliefs (and being too socially awkward to have a boyfriend) meant that I legitimately wasn’t doing anything like that.

[the-real-steve]

However, those family members soon learned that hubby's wife wasn't going to stand for it.

Go get 'em!