Burned by serious Christians

[Bootstrap]

Many people I know who have pursued serious Christianity have been burned badly by a person or group they thought of as serious Christians and as brethren.

Sometimes it is abusive authority. Sometimes it is sexual abuse or financial fraud. Sometimes it is a kind of passive-aggressive manipulation. Sometimes it is simply false teaching.

How does that affect our lives moving forward in discipleship? How do we continue to trust and love and give when we have had this kind of experience? How do we protect ourselves against this moving forward?

[Ernie]

Something that I've learned after being "burnt" multiple times is that it is not someone else's fault if I trusted them prematurely.
Sure, people let us down, but I let people down also. That is part of being human.

So it is only fair that people need to earn my trust and I need to earn theirs before we commit ourselves to each other.
I think commitment should not run ahead of trust and relationship and learning to know the other person. This is what I recommend to dating couples, and I'm beginning to understand that this would be a good pattern for all relationships.

At the same time, the Bible puts no restrictions on the amount of good we can do for others, at any time in our lives. We can do as much good for others out of a healthy Christlike altruism any time we wish. Healthy Christlike altruism is something that is unique to Christianity. (I learned in China this past fall that their culture has little if any sense of altruism. If Chinese give to others, it is often because they would hate to squander an opportunity to possibly receive something in the future.)
People get burnt when they expect their service and confidence in others to result in some kind of reciprocal response.

Proverbs instructs us to avoid making commitments with strangers. The Bible over and over instructs us to not put our trust and confidence in man.
Jesus encourages us to give without thinking about what we might receive.

So the path to wholeness, that I'm beginning to learn, is to take responsibility for where I've made premature commitments and where I have put confidence in man. Secondly, I must not become bitter at others for disappointing me. (After all, I am the one who failed to follow scriptural admonition.) And finally, I must allow the love of Christ to fill my heart, so that I can bless others, including those who have disappointed me.

This does not excuse anyone who misrepresents themselves or their organization or anyone who takes advantage of the naivety of others. They will need to give account for this! But this is a topic for a different thread.

[steve-in-kville]

I was burned a few times over the years. When we left the Mennonite church, it was all out "character assassination." Our names were pretty much mud. Rumors, slander, you name it. The reason for it was: I wasn't keeping quiet anymore. To allow healing I needed to tell my side of the story, a story I kept to myself for 9+ years.

I needed to learn to accept and forgive. God allowed it to happen and I feel it made me a stronger person in the end. It also taught me to be true to myself, to march to the beat of my own drum. To not be something I'm not (I'd make a horrible Mennonite!!).

In the end, I don't regret what happened. I just wish it wasn't so painful. There are many deep wounds that haven't entirely healed yet.

[Valerie]

I was burned a few times over the years. When we left the Mennonite church, it was all out "character assassination." Our names were pretty much mud. Rumors, slander, you name it. The reason for it was: I wasn't keeping quiet anymore. To allow healing I needed to tell my side of the story, a story I kept to myself for 9+ years.

I needed to learn to accept and forgive. God allowed it to happen and I feel it made me a stronger person in the end. It also taught me to be true to myself, to march to the beat of my own drum. To not be something I'm not (I'd make a horrible Mennonite!!).

In the end, I don't regret what happened. I just wish it wasn't so painful. There are many deep wounds that haven't entirely healed yet.

We met a man who was adopted by Mennonites- and his experience was so painful to him that he said he could 'take down the whole denomination' by what he could share (I don't think that was limited to his own experience but what he was aware of overall)

However- although he seemed to know 'too much' I felt he needed so much healing, forgivness is such an important part of our daily walk with Christ. We had a discussion about this at length this morning (hubby & I)- our hearts can deceive us- they can become hardened (and easily, if we are not careful) and we discussed the importance of daily coming to Christ with all of this and to pray for those who have hurt us and confess it as sin to harbor resentment, unforgivenss or any possible slander we vocalised- any gossip- for Him to shine the light on our hearts to leave nothing 'unturned'. If we are sincerely wanting our hearts right with Him, we will want all of this to be cast on Him, out of us, away from us- and He will give us grace in this because- well- it is in accordance to His will that we walk in love and forgiveness. It isn't always easy but He is able as we yield to Him.

We will pray for you- sometimes we have forgiven but the pain can return in remembering the circumstance- may those be the scars that reveal His unconditional love for us and His desire is that we 'press on' not looking back- (I was hurt by brothers & sisters in the Lord when I started covering my head, called 'legalistic' treated like I was in a 'cult' etc from people I knew for quite awhile, made fun of, called Amish (as a joke) for wearing skirts/dresses and a change overall away from the fashion of the day) just recently again attacked that way from someone I knew a long time) so I am not unable to relate to the being burnt by serious Christians-
One of my favorite passages to live by with God's help:
Philippians 3:
Pressing Toward the Goal
12Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been perfected, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have laid hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize of God’s heavenly calling in Christ Jesus.…

[RZehr]

I was burned a few times over the years. When we left the Mennonite church, it was all out "character assassination." Our names were pretty much mud. Rumors, slander, you name it. The reason for it was: I wasn't keeping quiet anymore. To allow healing I needed to tell my side of the story, a story I kept to myself for 9+ years.

I needed to learn to accept and forgive. God allowed it to happen and I feel it made me a stronger person in the end. It also taught me to be true to myself, to march to the beat of my own drum. To not be something I'm not (I'd make a horrible Mennonite!!).

In the end, I don't regret what happened. I just wish it wasn't so painful. There are many deep wounds that haven't entirely healed yet.

Is what you are posting about your old church really much different than what they did to you? Could they feel the same way you feel?

[Josh]

We met a man who was adopted by Mennonites- and his experience was so painful to him that he said he could 'take down the whole denomination' by what he could share (I don't think that was limited to his own experience but what he was aware of overall)

Valerie,

I won't doubt that this person has been through a lot of pain; however, I would seriously doubt that one person's experience could "take down the whole denomination". Which denomination? MC USA? The rest of conservative Anabaptists are not unified into one group. Some of them don't even recognise each other.

Social services and law enforcement are pretty familiar with what goes on inside plain communities, particularly in an area like Holmes County. At this point in time (2018), church groups such as my own and also groups like Old Order Amish have regular meetings and contact between law enforcement, social services, and church leaders.

Ultimately, conservative Anabaptists don't really have a "denomination" to "take down". The largest populations of Mennonites are in the Congo and Ethiopia; I don't think any one person could "take them down".

[lesterb]

I was burned a few times over the years. When we left the Mennonite church, it was all out "character assassination." Our names were pretty much mud. Rumors, slander, you name it. The reason for it was: I wasn't keeping quiet anymore. To allow healing I needed to tell my side of the story, a story I kept to myself for 9+ years.

I needed to learn to accept and forgive. God allowed it to happen and I feel it made me a stronger person in the end. It also taught me to be true to myself, to march to the beat of my own drum. To not be something I'm not (I'd make a horrible Mennonite!!).

In the end, I don't regret what happened. I just wish it wasn't so painful. There are many deep wounds that haven't entirely healed yet.

We met a man who was adopted by Mennonites- and his experience was so painful to him that he said he could 'take down the whole denomination' by what he could share (I don't think that was limited to his own experience but what he was aware of overall)

However- although he seemed to know 'too much' I felt he needed so much healing, forgivness is such an important part of our daily walk with Christ. We had a discussion about this at length this morning (hubby & I)- our hearts can deceive us- they can become hardened (and easily, if we are not careful) and we discussed the importance of daily coming to Christ with all of this and to pray for those who have hurt us and confess it as sin to harbor resentment, unforgivenss or any possible slander we vocalised- any gossip- for Him to shine the light on our hearts to leave nothing 'unturned'. If we are sincerely wanting our hearts right with Him, we will want all of this to be cast on Him, out of us, away from us- and He will give us grace in this because- well- it is in accordance to His will that we walk in love and forgiveness. It isn't always easy but He is able as we yield to Him.

We will pray for you- sometimes we have forgiven but the pain can return in remembering the circumstance- may those be the scars that reveal His unconditional love for us and His desire is that we 'press on' not looking back- (I was hurt by brothers & sisters in the Lord when I started covering my head, called 'legalistic' treated like I was in a 'cult' etc from people I knew for quite awhile, made fun of, called Amish (as a joke) for wearing skirts/dresses and a change overall away from the fashion of the day) just recently again attacked that way from someone I knew a long time) so I am not unable to relate to the being burnt by serious Christians-
One of my favorite passages to live by with God's help:
Philippians 3:
Pressing Toward the Goal
12Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been perfected, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have laid hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize of God’s heavenly calling in Christ Jesus.…

I have seen enough such people come and go in Mennonite churches that I always take such stories with a grain of salt. Every story has two sides. While I am well aware of the weaknesses and failures of my chosen brotherhood, I also know sometimes seekers have weaknesses as well. When these weaknesses collide, it makes a problem. I'm not willing to take sides in most of these collisions, because normally both sides had failures. My main desire is to show people that there are people who want to help them find their way through such trauma.

But when someone tells me something like the highlighted above, I walk away because it is obviously untenable.

[Bootstrap]

Can we please focus on this part?

How does that affect our lives moving forward in discipleship? How do we continue to trust and love and give when we have had this kind of experience? How do we protect ourselves against this moving forward?

There are lots of other threads that talk about what's wrong with this group or that. I'm much more interested in what people have learned and how they have moved on. How did you grow through this?

[steve-in-kville]

I have seen enough such people come and go in Mennonite churches that I always take such stories with a grain of salt.

And this is exactly why we all keep hearing these stories! No one takes anything seriously and looks into these "stories." Too often the victim is are labeled as a "wack-job" and nothing happens.

I understand there is always two sides to everything (I'm a father, plus have a bit of authority at my job... I know). But sometimes a story is just that... a story. An experienced Pennsylvania State Police detective once told me that. You'd be shocked what a person will conceive to fit their own agenda.

This being said, I made numerous attempts, even with a mediator, to talk the situation through. But I was denied. It was not open for discussion. I tried.

Be careful with your grains of salt.

[Sudsy]

I walked away from a church once because I was tired of hearing all the bickering going on. I was the song leader on Sundays and loved the pastor's sermons. One Sunday I just quit going and no one came to chase me down and ask why. It was many years later after returning to the Lord as a prodigal son, I felt convicted of this abandonment of the pastor and I tracked him down and e:mailed him an apology. Though many miles apart and we likely will never see each other in this life again, we had a nice chat on where God had taken us over the years.

There is something I read that the apostle Paul wrote that really struck me one day. It was about him praying to get rid of a 'thorn in the flesh', which sometimes best describes what other Christians are. After praying 3 times for this thorn (a messenger from satan that came to buffet him) to be removed God said basically 'live with it as it is good for you' . When Paul understood that 'living with it' would allow Paul to experience God's grace to 'live with it', Paul's attitude did a 360 and he basically said 'bring it on so I can experience more of God's power working in me'. My paraphrases.

James 1:2-4 puts it this way (paraphrase) - "My brothers and sisters, you will have many kinds of trouble. But this gives you a reason to be very happy. You know that when your faith is tested, you learn to be patient in suffering. If you let that patience work in you, the end result will be good. You will be mature and complete. You will be all that God wants you to be."

Wow, so 'being burnt' can be looked at as an opportunity to mature in God. James even says "count it all joy" (KJV). So, the choice is ours. Will we allow "being burned" to hinder our walk with God or see it as a spiritual growth opportunity ? To do this we must cast our burdens on the Lord and leave them there. Trust that He is at work to work out good in those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. That is not to say God might lead us to move on but until that time we can lean upon His grace and even have joy in the circumstance we are in. That is what makes grace so amazing.

There have been those who come to this forum having felt some big hurts of sorts and I just wanted to share these texts that tells me I can chose to lean on God's grace and it will be sufficient to not allow them to be scars. We are human yet we access a supernatural grace of God that can give us victory over our human weakness. All glory to Him.