What is marital faithfulness to your first spouse?

[Josh]

Over in the other thread, a frequent statement from the modern conservative Anabaptist wing is that we have a duty to be faithful to our "first spouse", regardless of if they commit lots of adultery, abandon us, and/or marry someone else.

I'd like to discuss what that kind of faithfulness actually looks like. I will speak from the perspective of a husband. Normally marriage involves things like making sure you spend time with your wife, provide for her in terms of shelter, money, etc., pray with her, provide leadership, not get a job far away or travel so much you are away from her for weeks at a time.

When a wife chooses to leave a marriage and marry someone else, what does faithfulness look like?

[Josh]

First of all, what's the proper way to describe yourself? In the conservative Mennonite circles I have been in (Midwest, Beachy, Pilgrim, Hope) nearly everyone describes me as "single".

For example last night someone told me if he were a single man, like me, he could himself travelling more and being less committed to one specific place and one specific church. (That makes sense.)

But I'm very aware most people view me as "single". So if you are a single person, what does faithfulness to your former spouse who is married to someone else actually mean?

[lesterb]

First of all, what's the proper way to describe yourself? In the conservative Mennonite circles I have been in (Midwest, Beachy, Pilgrim, Hope) nearly everyone describes me as "single".

For example last night someone told me if he were a single man, like me, he could himself travelling more and being less committed to one specific place and one specific church. (That makes sense.)

But I'm very aware most people view me as "single". So if you are a single person, what does faithfulness to your former spouse who is married to someone else actually mean?

One way would be to not give up on her salvation. Make it a spiritual faithfulness, and keep praying for her. The temptation, I think, would be to want physical reconciliation, but that chances of that in almost all cases is pretty well nil. If you find yourself dwelling on memories of former intimacy, or fantasizing about future ones, you will only destroy yourself. But I think it is entirely in order to desire your wife to find Christ and to pray to that end. That is true faithfulness. Remaining celibate would leave the door open for restoring friendship, even if the marriage itself is never restored for theological reasons or whatever.

She knows you fairly well. She knows your physical desires. If she sees that being faithful to God and her is more important to you than your desires are, it will be an additional witness to her. God has called you to be a eunuch in this situation.

You could say (rightfully) that I don't understand what you are facing. But inspite of that I can at least be sympathetic and give you a listening ear, rather than telling you to "get over it, and be a man." I imagine you've heard that.

My son has a wife and six children. He also has a friend who is in your situation, except I don't think that his wife has remarried. He does have two children, but no visiting rights, since he refused to attend the court proceedings (he felt that trying to defend himself was wrong). I'm blessed at the my son's friendship with him. I hope you have similar friends, because it is really tough to survive otherwise.

As far as being "single" goes, I don't think you are obligated to share your situation every time someone asks your married status. The people who need to know your story already know it, in most cases.

[Soloist]

I would consider myself conservative (under categories I don't fit anywhere properly) but not connected at the moment to a specifically Mennonite church. I consider myself to be a conservative Anabaptist.
I am married with 3 children to my first and only wife.

I would consider faithfulness if my wife left me for another or left me period to be to remain single regardless of opinion on the exception clause so that I am there to receive her back as God did to redeem Israel or as Hosea did. Faithfully praying for her to come back and repent of sins. As for if she did marry another and she then came back to me, I really don't know the correct response and I pray I never have to deal with it.

From my wife:
I would consider it the same. As for in marriage, I would think that faithfulness would be shown by the man having a sacrificial love for the wife as Christ does the church, and the woman respecting/submitting to the husband, in both cases whether or not their spouse is doing their part. Also, both of them should try not to complain about the other or be resentful over who their spouse is, since God has a reason for everything. If they must separate for some reason, the believer should be willing to reconcile should their spouse come back to them.

[Josh]

Remaining celibate would leave the door open for restoring friendship, even if the marriage itself is never restored for theological reasons or whatever.

She knows you fairly well. She knows your physical desires. If she sees that being faithful to God and her is more important to you than your desires are, it will be an additional witness to her. God has called you to be a eunuch in this situation.

Unfortunately, that's not really how my behaviour is received and avoiding dating etc. has made my relationship with my ex wife much less than it used to be, since she feels this is a sign I haven't moved on, don't respect her desire to be separated and for her to marry someone else, and is basically a sign I am obsessed or mentally ill and basically throwing my life away.

If we had more shared spiritual understanding, she had been raised in a more conservative church, etc. she might feel differently.

I hope you have similar friends, because it is really tough to survive otherwise.

I wish I did, but I'm not sure such people exist in conservative circles. I have known a few people (far away from me) who haven't remarried for one reason of another but that's it. I haven't ever run into anyone in my situation in church circles. I ran into an old man once at KFW someone told to talk to me who had the same experience as me and talked to him for a minute or two.

Basically, as CMs we have invented a new class of people we consider single, except they aren't allowed to marry, and we aren't really sure what to do with them. I certainly don't have much idea what "marital faithfulness" means. All I know is that there are very big expectations on me, I am often not even sure what they are, and I spend a lot of time stressed about meeting what other people want.

[Wade]

All I know is that there are very big expectations on me, I am often not even sure what they are, and I spend a lot of time stressed about meeting what other people want.

This is not foreign to others as well. You are not alone, even if circumstances aren't exactly the same. We as humans seem to have a deep longing to fit in...
God knows where each one is in their walk and it can look confusing. I don't think He wants to over burden, that is why He offers His yoke. With that yoke He leads but is right along side.