Passive-Aggressive: How can you tell?

[Bootstrap]

It's fairly common for people's behavior to be described as passive-aggressive.

What does this mean? How can you tell if someone is being passive-aggressive? What is the best way to respond? What is the best way for us to be careful not to be passive-aggressive?

[temporal1]

i believe it to be an over-used psychological term that is often used without actual study.
i avoid it. i'm not a psychologist.

but it does have a "grown-up" sound that appeals to many people.
with some irony, it's most often used to discredit or hurt others.
not a good path.

[Robert]

It's fairly common for people's behavior to be described as passive-aggressive.

What does this mean? How can you tell if someone is being passive-aggressive? What is the best way to respond? What is the best way for us to be careful not to be passive-aggressive?

When in conversation with or about another, you elevate yourself or put your point above the other person?

May not be the definition, but maybe the by product?

[Robert]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive-a ... e_behavior

Passive-aggressive behavior is the indirect expression of hostility, such as through procrastination, stubbornness, sullen behavior, or deliberate or repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible.

In psychology, passive-aggressive behavior is characterized by a habitual pattern of passive resistance to expected work requirements, opposition, sullenness, stubbornness, and negative attitudes in response to requirements for normal performance levels expected of others. Most frequently it occurs in the workplace where resistance is exhibited by such indirect behaviors as procrastination, forgetfulness, and purposeful inefficiency, especially in reaction to demands by authority figures, but it can also occur in interpersonal contexts.

In conflict theory[edit]
In conflict theory, passive-aggressive behavior can resemble a behavior better described as catty, as it consists of deliberate, active, but carefully veiled hostile acts which are distinctively different in character from the non-assertive style of passive resistance.

[Bootstrap]

i believe it to be an over-used psychological term that is often used without actual study.
i avoid it. i'm not a psychologist.

but it does have a "grown-up" sound that appeals to many people.
with some irony, it's most often used to discredit or hurt others.
not a good path.

You know, I agree with some of this. It's a little like calling someone deranged, it's usually a very vague accusation, it's hard to argue with one way or another, and it distracts from the conversation.

Making vague accusations is really damaging. It makes everyone uncomfortable without giving clear guidance for doing better, and it can put some people in a bad light.

Ideally, we should discuss topics directly, without taking pot shots at the other people in the conversation. Quote the other person accurately, respond to what they are saying, agree or disagree, give your reasons, don't tear the other person down or attack their character in an attempt to "win". It's about discussing and understanding, not about winning.

If you don't want to do that, there's no need to respond at all.

[Robert]

It's about discussing and understanding, not about winning.

I always throw in a little bit of whining too. I may not win, but I can always whine!

[temporal1]

Robert,
i agree with what you're saying, what you've found.
in a professional setting, the term can be used to identify problem behaviors and to address them in constructive ways.

in ordinary conversation, i do not see it working out for positive results.
it's well to have some understanding of it, to avoid it, but, probably not wise to use it to label others, who may or may not know what you're referring to, and, may or may not be subject to it, anyway.

i've learned, this is a favorite term amongst Mennonites, esp in self-criticism/brotherhood criticism. i'm not sold on this use, either. personally, prefer to leave it to the pros.

[temporal1]

just because a person uses a lot of words doesn't mean their words are not pot-shots.
"a lot of words" often equal "a lot of words."

[Robert]

I have the opposite issue of PA behavior. I respond constantly when sometimes I can just let someone else have their say and let it go. I have found I often make the point more important then the person when I do. Working on it. I fail often. Most the time not here, but other areas of life.

[Robert]

We also ALL use passive-aggressive technics at times. If I am not immune, I doubt anyone else is. I is a very "in your face" kind of person and I am PA to my wife at times.