Where did LJones go?
Posted: Wed Jul 26, 2017 1:14 am
Hey folks,
I just wanted to give you guys a heads up about what has been going on in my world. Honestly, I don't remember a lot about when and why I left MD. I do remember being angry quite a bit on the end. You tend to be that way when your life is in chaos.
Back in 2012 we joined a Mennonite Church. In 2013 that experience because of personal and church troubles proved too much and we went towards a certain project in Mexico. That landed us with the GBs, where we bounced between the Old and New Conferences. We would stay in that situation pretty much until 2015. Somewhere in that mess of a transient life I would find out that I had severe sleep apnea. Corrective actions were taken for apnea in late 2014. My mind would begin clearing, but it would take time to figure out where I was in life.
I had been raised in a Fundamentalist Baptist home. Later I would figure out that I had inherited a poor sense of guilt and shame in my upbringing. I always felt fear that I was somehow not sacrificing enough for Jesus. So, I would go as strict as I could only to find defeat. I would pull back to get relief only to feel the panic of guilt again and rush back into some kind of strictness. I guess this was the root of my dysfunctional relationship with Plain Churches. During this time I would gather many jewels of virtue from these churches. However, there was a darkness that I kept hidden all along.
I'm unsure of all of the causes. Perhaps the sleep apnea was a major player, but I had a serious problem with depression and anxiety. Matter of fact, my entry into Anabaptism was partially due to months of depression. I was often suicidal. Honestly, the lifestyle of the Mennonite Church helped until turmoil came up in the church. I began to lose it again. This would send me on a spiral that would last for 4 years. You witnessed part of that time.
When we finally left plain life late in 2015, we bounced around. For the next year and a half we tried Lutheran, Methodist, Southern Baptist, Anglican, and considered Anabaptism & Pentecostalism again. This is where everything came crashing down. In August 2016 my appendix ruptured. I walked around for 2 days before going to the ER. I would spend an entire month out of work. A darkness descended. I spent a lot of time with my thoughts. I felt that I was just at the end of trying. I knew my family wanted to be in a church, so I picked the Free Will Baptist and was determined to fit in. The Free Will Baptist Church became more and more patriotic as time went on. It was militarized quite a bit. This didn't help my mental state. Work also became stressful at this point. I fell back into depression. My mind questioned my faith. I became angry and hard to get along with. In December, after the stress of a son's surgery, a detached retina, and my wife's removal of a melanoma, I lost it.
In a rage I left home. I wanted to die. I remember pulling into a gas stations and angrily calling out to God. I went back home and decided to just roll with the punches. You should know that I had daydreamed about suicide for a long time. Perhaps since I was a teenager. We went to church one night and the Free Will Baptist pastor preached about false conversions. It seemed like it was aimed at me. I asked to speak with him. We talked. I was shaking all over. I hinted at the depth of my depression. His answer was for us to say a prayer. He text me once after that to see if it was fixed. Of course this "sinners prayer" fix was no fix at all. In the meantime he threw out a statement that basically said you are not "saved" if you aren't patriotic (he knew I didn't approve of patriotism in the church). I continued to deal with suicidal thoughts over a few weeks until I hit a wall. Back in 2011 I had been very interested in Orthodoxy. I told my wife that I was going to email an Orthodox priest just to have someone else to talk to. I did and it changed my life.
I went to the Orthodox Church on a Friday morning. I met with the priest and talked for over 2 hours. We got to the heart of many of my problems. We talked about the shame that I carried. We talked about the false guilt that I continually manufactured to feel normal. We then talked about Christ and His love for me. I went back home and got my family. We drove the 1:15 back the next day and spent the weekend at that Parish. That weekend was the Sunday of the Cross. There was a focus on the victory and love of the cross. For the first time something snapped in me and I finally had a true understanding of the cross and Christ's love for me. I cried for weeks whenever I would share that experience. Having spent a lot of time around Orthodox-leaning Anglicans, my wife and I had already started our journey several months before towards a liturgical mindset and belief system so we were open to their teachings. We have been at the Orthodox ever since. I cannot say that my battle is over, but I definitely have the tools in which to fight the good fight. I feel at home and I feel like I am finally following Christ. We will be baptized into the Orthodox Church on August 6th.
I don't say any of this to tear down anyone else's beliefs, church, or convictions. People have said they wanted to hear my story. This is it. I apologize for the times I was angry, judgmental, and combative on MD. I truly ask for the forgiveness of anyone I offended. Thank you all for your help and prayers over the years.
I just wanted to give you guys a heads up about what has been going on in my world. Honestly, I don't remember a lot about when and why I left MD. I do remember being angry quite a bit on the end. You tend to be that way when your life is in chaos.
Back in 2012 we joined a Mennonite Church. In 2013 that experience because of personal and church troubles proved too much and we went towards a certain project in Mexico. That landed us with the GBs, where we bounced between the Old and New Conferences. We would stay in that situation pretty much until 2015. Somewhere in that mess of a transient life I would find out that I had severe sleep apnea. Corrective actions were taken for apnea in late 2014. My mind would begin clearing, but it would take time to figure out where I was in life.
I had been raised in a Fundamentalist Baptist home. Later I would figure out that I had inherited a poor sense of guilt and shame in my upbringing. I always felt fear that I was somehow not sacrificing enough for Jesus. So, I would go as strict as I could only to find defeat. I would pull back to get relief only to feel the panic of guilt again and rush back into some kind of strictness. I guess this was the root of my dysfunctional relationship with Plain Churches. During this time I would gather many jewels of virtue from these churches. However, there was a darkness that I kept hidden all along.
I'm unsure of all of the causes. Perhaps the sleep apnea was a major player, but I had a serious problem with depression and anxiety. Matter of fact, my entry into Anabaptism was partially due to months of depression. I was often suicidal. Honestly, the lifestyle of the Mennonite Church helped until turmoil came up in the church. I began to lose it again. This would send me on a spiral that would last for 4 years. You witnessed part of that time.
When we finally left plain life late in 2015, we bounced around. For the next year and a half we tried Lutheran, Methodist, Southern Baptist, Anglican, and considered Anabaptism & Pentecostalism again. This is where everything came crashing down. In August 2016 my appendix ruptured. I walked around for 2 days before going to the ER. I would spend an entire month out of work. A darkness descended. I spent a lot of time with my thoughts. I felt that I was just at the end of trying. I knew my family wanted to be in a church, so I picked the Free Will Baptist and was determined to fit in. The Free Will Baptist Church became more and more patriotic as time went on. It was militarized quite a bit. This didn't help my mental state. Work also became stressful at this point. I fell back into depression. My mind questioned my faith. I became angry and hard to get along with. In December, after the stress of a son's surgery, a detached retina, and my wife's removal of a melanoma, I lost it.
In a rage I left home. I wanted to die. I remember pulling into a gas stations and angrily calling out to God. I went back home and decided to just roll with the punches. You should know that I had daydreamed about suicide for a long time. Perhaps since I was a teenager. We went to church one night and the Free Will Baptist pastor preached about false conversions. It seemed like it was aimed at me. I asked to speak with him. We talked. I was shaking all over. I hinted at the depth of my depression. His answer was for us to say a prayer. He text me once after that to see if it was fixed. Of course this "sinners prayer" fix was no fix at all. In the meantime he threw out a statement that basically said you are not "saved" if you aren't patriotic (he knew I didn't approve of patriotism in the church). I continued to deal with suicidal thoughts over a few weeks until I hit a wall. Back in 2011 I had been very interested in Orthodoxy. I told my wife that I was going to email an Orthodox priest just to have someone else to talk to. I did and it changed my life.
I went to the Orthodox Church on a Friday morning. I met with the priest and talked for over 2 hours. We got to the heart of many of my problems. We talked about the shame that I carried. We talked about the false guilt that I continually manufactured to feel normal. We then talked about Christ and His love for me. I went back home and got my family. We drove the 1:15 back the next day and spent the weekend at that Parish. That weekend was the Sunday of the Cross. There was a focus on the victory and love of the cross. For the first time something snapped in me and I finally had a true understanding of the cross and Christ's love for me. I cried for weeks whenever I would share that experience. Having spent a lot of time around Orthodox-leaning Anglicans, my wife and I had already started our journey several months before towards a liturgical mindset and belief system so we were open to their teachings. We have been at the Orthodox ever since. I cannot say that my battle is over, but I definitely have the tools in which to fight the good fight. I feel at home and I feel like I am finally following Christ. We will be baptized into the Orthodox Church on August 6th.
I don't say any of this to tear down anyone else's beliefs, church, or convictions. People have said they wanted to hear my story. This is it. I apologize for the times I was angry, judgmental, and combative on MD. I truly ask for the forgiveness of anyone I offended. Thank you all for your help and prayers over the years.