A year of living.

[Wayne in Maine]

The question I posted in What if you had only one year to live? is not merely academic to me, that’s approximately about the amount of time my physician has told me I have to live when I got my PET scan results last Friday (I’ve already used up a week!).

I’ve had friends, Christians and otherwise, who got the sort of same news, I’ve been in the shoes of my family and friends who are at a loss for words. I chatted with one of my old High School buddies the other day and he finally said “I don’t want to just shower you with platitudes” – I know both sides of that conversation now.

So I thought I would start this discussion thread (not monologue or repository for platitudes) among my Mennonet friends to share my experiences with what I am calling my “Year of Living” (rather than my “Year of Dying”) and maybe help figure out how to break the awkwardness of relating to someone who is sick and facing an earlier death than anticipated.

First an update: I completed my first round of chemotherapy. The therapy is palliative, not curative (there's no cure available but a miraculous one). The goal is to keep me as healthy and active for as long as they can, minimizing the side effects so that I can have a good quality of life before I decline. Between the steroids used to prevent nausea and the relief of the pain in my abdomen (that has prevented me from getting more than a few hours of sleep at a time) I felt like Superman after my first infusion. I was up early on Friday morning and even went into work for a few hours. I wanted my co-workers to see that I’m still alive – I’m still the old me. For lunch, Betty and I took a walk through the woods along the sea shore in Boothbay and when my son came home that evening we enjoyed one of my old favorite suppers, "Finnan Haddie", with the best smoked Haddock we've ever had. If this is what chemotherapy is going to be like - bring it on!

Yesterday we drove to a clinic an hour away to have a nurse show my wife (a nurse) how to remove my portable infusion pump and flush the "port" they implanted in me that feeds the chemo into the large veins near my heart. We went to the nearby Cabela's to buy the fishfinder/chartplotter for our boat when the medication I had taken to prevent another side effect hit me. I won’t go into details beyond saying that Cabella’s rest rooms are clean and comfortable. Betty and I had other shopping plans as well but we headed home instead. I crashed in my recliner chair, tired and feeling just plain crummy. I knew that the therapy would crash me, but I was expecting it to hit me on day 4, not day 3. All the projects my son had come to help me with were put on hold again. Betty and I both felt discouraged last evening, everything has changed so suddenly - and I do mean everything!

This morning after a long night’s painless sleep (the first long night in a long time) I feel pretty good. I’m the first up; I kindled a fire in the fireplace just for the atmosphere. We will have our traditional Polish Easter Breakfast and see what the day brings.

My wife and I are moving from living hour-by-hour to living day-by-day. We have our times of sorrow and grief (we “salt our coffee with our tears” these mornings lately), but really when we stop and talk about all the ways God is working in very tangible ways in our lives right now we feel comforted and we can focus better on the living we want to do this year. The opportunity to buy the house next door to our daughter (and grandchildren!) has been given to us and that is a greater gift than I deserve from our Father and one of the ways that God is showing His power in all this.

More later…

[temporal1]

.. This morning after a long night’s painless sleep (the first long night in a long time) I feel pretty good. I’m the first up; I kindled a fire in the fireplace just for the atmosphere. We will have our traditional Polish Easter Breakfast and see what the day brings.

My wife and I are moving from living hour-by-hour to living day-by-day. We have our times of sorrow and grief (we “salt our coffee with our tears” these mornings lately), but really when we stop and talk about all the ways God is working in very tangible ways in our lives right now we feel comforted and we can focus better on the living we want to do this year.

The opportunity to buy the house next door to our daughter (and grandchildren!) has been given to us and that is a greater gift than I deserve from our Father and one of the ways that God is showing His power in all this.

More later…

May God bless your generous idea .. let it be comfort to you and inspiration to others.

Probably the biggest takeaway we experienced in the (experience no one wants with their loved ones) was newfound deep intimacy with one another and our faith - perhaps not possible to experience in other ways. The Holy Spirit blesses and guides.

[Robert]

I am sorry for your struggles but want to also remind you of the race. You are winning! You are going to get to victory much quicker.

My prayers are still with your brother during this time of conflicting emotions. Yes, we can laugh and cry at the exact same time.

[Wayne in Maine]

I am sorry for your struggles but want to also remind you of the race. You are winning! You are going to get to victory much quicker.

My prayers are still with your brother during this time of conflicting emotions. Yes, we can laugh and cry at the exact same time.

Well that is indeed an encouraging thought isn’t it? especially on the day when we celebrate the first fruits of the resurrection.

[Wayne in Maine]

Yes, we can laugh and cry at the exact same time.

So my wife told you about my sense of humor eh?

[Bootstrap]

I am sorry for your struggles but want to also remind you of the race. You are winning! You are going to get to victory much quicker.

My prayers are still with your brother during this time of conflicting emotions. Yes, we can laugh and cry at the exact same time.

Well that is indeed an encouraging thought isn’t it? especially on the day when we celebrate the first fruits of the resurrection.

Indeed, this is Easter morning. 1 Corinthians 15 comes to mind.

But Christ has indeed been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep. For since death came through a man, the resurrection of the dead comes also through a man. For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive. But each in turn: Christ, the firstfruits; then, when he comes, those who belong to him. Then the end will come, when he hands over the kingdom to God the Father after he has destroyed all dominion, authority and power. For he must reign until he has put all his enemies under his feet. The last enemy to be destroyed is death. For he “has put everything under his feet.” Now when it says that “everything” has been put under him, it is clear that this does not include God himself, who put everything under Christ. When he has done this, then the Son himself will be made subject to him who put everything under him, so that God may be all in all.

But someone will ask, “How are the dead raised? With what kind of body will they come?” How foolish! What you sow does not come to life unless it dies. When you sow, you do not plant the body that will be, but just a seed, perhaps of wheat or of something else. But God gives it a body as he has determined, and to each kind of seed he gives its own body. Not all flesh is the same: People have one kind of flesh, animals have another, birds another and fish another. There are also heavenly bodies and there are earthly bodies; but the splendor of the heavenly bodies is one kind, and the splendor of the earthly bodies is another. The sun has one kind of splendor, the moon another and the stars another; and star differs from star in splendor.

So will it be with the resurrection of the dead. The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body.

If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body. So it is written: “The first man Adam became a living being”; the last Adam, a life-giving spirit. The spiritual did not come first, but the natural, and after that the spiritual. The first man was of the dust of the earth; the second man is of heaven. As was the earthly man, so are those who are of the earth; and as is the heavenly man, so also are those who are of heaven. And just as we have borne the image of the earthly man, so shall we bear the image of the heavenly man.

I declare to you, brothers and sisters, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed— in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”

“Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?”

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

[Wayne in Maine]

Some of the responses to What if you had only one year to live? resonate with me in particular:

“I would spend as much time with family and loved ones as possible”, “I would enjoy family try to leave as many good memories as I could”, and “seek ways to spend quality time with them for the time that I did have left.”
That’s my priority – to spend time with family, especially Betty. We will enjoy a brief but pleasant retirement with some camping, fishing and boating and seeing some places we’ve wanted to visit. We’re hoping for a long “Road Trip” after my chemotherapy and move to Pennsylvania. My son has been coming home these past few weekends to help with chores, but we’ve been just hanging around more than anything (he heads to sea for a couple months next week), and that’s been nice. We also decided to not plant a garden!

l liked RZehr’s suggestion “I would write a personal letter of blessing and warning to my children and descendants for them to have.” – I’m going to work on that. I’ve also done a lot of genealogical work I want to organize for them (I’m descended from Queen Elizabeth the first!) and my wife and I have long planned to compile some of the stories about our life together for the children – we’ll title it “What a Long Strange Trip It’s Been!”
Already there are things that have become much, much less important for my attention – the news, politics, “theology”.
Ken hit on one of the most important for me “I would spend most of my time and energy making sure that my wife and children are ready and prepared to continue in my absence...” The comfort and welfare of my precious wife is one of the most important things on my mind. Fortunately (and I’m sure not by coincidence) our circumstances are allowing us to get settled in to live next door to our daughter, Franzi, and our grandchildren in a nice house that really is suitable to Betty’s long-term needs (it’s all on one floor!). I just have to spend time getting us out of our home in Maine (we have a lot of stuff!) and that’s my “job” right now.

Spiritually I want to continue to proclaim that “God is Good” with sincerity, and to let people know that God is performing great works in my life. Szdfan hit close to the mark: I am hoping for a miracle to heal me, but I am not denying that this cancer is going to kill me and nobody, myself included, should expect otherwise. I accept my fate and I truly rejoice in every grace God is giving me now. At some point I want to embrace what it will be like to be with the Lord in His Kingdom forever – it’s too much for me to comprehend something better than the best of my days in this earthly realm right now.

Also, I want to be reconciled with those against whom I have sinned, and to be reconciled, as much as possible, with those who have offended me and caused harm to me. That’s another task that will take God’s intervention and it is already happening – and hey, who can deny a dying man his wish for bygones to be bygones and to be at peace with another: there is nothing to lose at this point.

[MaxPC]

I like your plans, Wayne.

[Wayne in Maine]

I'm still alive! I'm not quite ready to start a countdown clock.

We had talked about what we would do if we had just a year to live. I never contemplated what life might be like living with a disease that is slowly killing me, and, quite frankly, what changes might happen around me.

As an update. My first chemotherapy went pretty well, the side effects were minimal and the treatment was surprisingly effective in relieving the discomfort I had experienced. My appetite is returning, but I am still watching my eating as I know I will feel a whole lot better hauling 30 pounds less around - so my weight loss is good and under control. My primary care physician has really stepped up to the plate and other medical issues that have been plaguing me are well under control. I got a cortisone shot in my arthritic knee (he had been giving me exercise) which really helped. Cancer notwithstanding I feel better than I have in over a year. We are well along in the plans and process of purchasing the house next to my daughter (and grandchildren!) in Pennsylvania and selling our Maine home. Yesterday we quite spontaneously decided to take the entire family on "road trip" to Iceland in September!

The news was bad when my physician first detected an irregularity in my esophagus; almost every day for the next two weeks the news got worse and worse until the afternoon when my Oncologist gave me the good news that I had a year or so to live - we were expecting worse. Since then things have been turning around and every day has been bringing good news. It's almost too much for me at times to deal with the way God is blessing me and my family. I'm quite happy, not distressed about the future, grateful for every new gift from God and all I am experiencing. I'm enjoying life and have nothing to complain about. I am so cheery that I have to assure people that I am not on mood altering drugs, that this is real, and I attribute it all to God. In my relationship with God I am living a submitted and contented life.

[Robert]

I am so cheery that I have to assure people that I am not on mood altering drugs, that this is real, and I attribute it all to God. In my relationship with God I am living a submitted and contented life.

Now THIS is revealing the presence of the Holy Spirit. This is what washed in the Spirit is all about. Well done, my good and faithful brother. I rejoice in the joy that God is bringing. As Paul documents the Holy Spirit, the first three things are "love, joy, and peace." Was we become filling with God's Spirit, this is what manifests. I can hear that in your sharing and I want nothing else then to give you a hug and holy kiss.

May God's peace pour from you to all around.