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Something I've been thinking about in relation to parenting. It seems that lenient, less-structured parents are often thought of as being "sweet parents," while stricter, more-structured parents are thought of as "harsh." I wonder why this is; although I think one reason is because on the surface being indulgent looks more gracious, while being strict does easily look like harshness or anger. But is lenience and lack of structure really gracious parenting, necessarily? And is structure and strict boundaries always indicative of harsh parenting?

I'd be interested in thoughts from other parents.

I think of structure and harshness like North/South vs. East/West. New York and Cuba are just as far East, but far apart North to South. Las Vegas and Raleigh are just as far North, but far apart East to West.

You can be harsh and unstructured, loudly failing to enforce ever-changing rules. You can be sweet and gentle and give clear, consistent guidance. Instead of getting loud or physical, you get close and keep explaining why, and try to do it with warmth and grace.

Structure doesn't come from harshness, it comes from consistency.

ah-ha.
possibly related, right now, we're discussing 3 words in my family (daughter+granddaughter:)
serious
stern
mean

with discipline or approval, intent is a matter of the heart.
some who are serious, even stern, can have warm hearts, reliably balanced+fair; while "mean" is not warm, no matter packaging.

having said that, i'm not sure i've ever noticed those 2 words being used just like in the OP, "sweet or harsh," but, i think i follow your meaning.

children rely on parents for setting boundaries.
different parents will choose different methods, as well, different children will respond in different ways. we were not "one size fits all" thinkers. some children respond to a light touch, others need more .. "guidance."

Bootstrap wrote:You can be harsh and unstructured, loudly failing to enforce ever-changing rules. You can be sweet and gentle and give clear, consistent guidance. Instead of getting loud or physical, you get close and keep explaining why, and try to do it with warmth and grace.

Structure doesn't come from harshness, it comes from consistency.

Excellent. Very true.

I'm very interested in this topic, but I don't have many thoughts to offer. We are in the middle of raising our children now, so answers are not something I have much of.

I was deeply touched, though, by Pablo Yoder's book, The Long Road Home. There seems to have been a definite contrast between the author's parents, who are described as having lots of love but not as much discipline and order, and his friends' parents who were heavy on maintaining discipline and light on expressing love to their rebellious sons.

Our parenting styles seem to have an influence on our children's perception of God. I hope somehow that my children will see God and desire to know Him as He really is instead of the angry, nearly-impossible-to-please God of fundamentalism. I would prefer to err on the side of love rather than harshness and rigid order.

Peregrino wrote:I'm very interested in this topic, but I don't have many thoughts to offer. We are in the middle of raising our children now, so answers are not something I have much of.

I was deeply touched, though, by Pablo Yoder's book, The Long Road Home. There seems to have been a definite contrast between the author's parents, who are described as having lots of love but not as much discipline and order, and his friends' parents who were heavy on maintaining discipline and light on expressing love to their rebellious sons.

Our parenting styles seem to have an influence on our children's perception of God. I hope somehow that my children will see God and desire to know Him as He really is instead of the angry, nearly-impossible-to-please God of fundamentalism. I would prefer to err on the side of love rather than harshness and rigid order.

I'm in the middle of it as well. I have a hard time deciding which of the two is worse. Erring on the one side is still error and produces bad results. I think we are seeing many people whose undisciplined training has resulted in a view of God that is wrong. There are plenty of examples on the other side as well.

I think that reacting against one error or the other often leads us to the opposite error. I don't want to be so scared of either ditch that I end up in the other.

My wife and I are trying to find our way in this as well. I would love to hear recommendations for good parenting books. It is easy to see some of the mistakes made in the ways we were parented but harder to not be reactionary and end up parenting in the other ditch.

Frodo wrote:My wife and I are trying to find our way in this as well. I would love to hear recommendations for good parenting books. It is easy to see some of the mistakes made in the ways we were parented but harder to not be reactionary and end up parenting in the other ditch.

I haven't read very many parenting books, but there are plenty of people out there who want to tell us how to do it. I think it is just as good to read stories like The Long Road Home which Peregrino recommended, which tell us of other people's successes and failures. I think the factors that make parenting successful are very complex, and thankfully God is there for us in our mistakes.

mike wrote:

Frodo wrote:My wife and I are trying to find our way in this as well. I would love to hear recommendations for good parenting books. It is easy to see some of the mistakes made in the ways we were parented but harder to not be reactionary and end up parenting in the other ditch.

I haven't read very many parenting books, but there are plenty of people out there who want to tell us how to do it. I think it is just as good to read stories like The Long Road Home which Peregrino recommended, which tell us of other people's successes and failures. I think the factors that make parenting successful are very complex, and thankfully God is there for us in our mistakes.

There certainly are a lot of experts out there with a variety of opinions. It seems to me that perhaps the most important thing I can do is model godliness to my children while being humble enough to admit my mistakes. I'm not certain but I think it might have been John Drescher that said something in the line of " if he was starting his family again he would spend more time praying for God to change him and less time praying for his children." Not an exact quote.

SMBI has something they teach with a quadrant with two dimensions. One is a loving home, and the other is a disiciplined home. Nearly all who grow up Christian and stay that way were in a home with both, according to the source they used.

I don't know where it came from but someone at SMBI, or Eugene Sommers, would know. It was an excellent resource to review at men's meetings.