this is all so fascinating. i agree.Neto wrote:Yes, that is true.Josh wrote:In Western culture we’re taught to look people in the eye and smile.
If one wants to go to DC and protest, one had probably best adapt to Western cultural norms. When I’m in other places I do my best to adapt to local expectations.
(I am very aware of it, because I am often called out for not doing so enough, or not at all.)
But the point of the article (or rather my point in linking to it) is that maintaining eye contact for an extended period is considered rude or impolite. That is like trying to stare someone down - it is confrontational.
The difference for at least some native cultures (certainly Cheyenne) is that any eye contact (except perhaps a fleeting glance) is considered confrontational.
But never mind native cultural ideas - what happened in the case here was clear violation of accepted Western norms.
[An aside here regarding eye contact.
As mentioned in this article, and in relation to the most common accusation made against me for not looking people in the eyes - "not paying attention", at least according to the study reported in this article, you can listen better if the other person is NOT looking you in the eyes.
I'm not at all surprised by this finding.
If some here have read other studies which contradict this conclusion, I at least would certainly like to hear about it.]
i suppose, in my mind, in this instance, i cannot isolate the staring as the single deciding factor.
i’m not sure if you do. i would not presume that, either.
your personal accounts cause me to remember “a lesson” i had, years ago, as a young female. wife+mother, working outside our home, interacting with the public, all sorts of people, all ages.
i had a good friend i respected so much, we’re still friends! she was/is a veterinary doctor, a scientific mind, she knows animal behaviors, for sure! and, often compares animal/human traits.
she is a faithful Christian. not Anabaptist.
we were both married with children. one day, somehow, we were discussing .. men.
i mentioned, men seemed to tend to be (suggestive?) to me. i’m not sure of the exact words.
she was puzzled. “how so?”
i mentioned, when i talk with men, i look away, or i look down. i do not like to look them in the eye.
i wondered if this could be part of it?
she was abrupt!
she told me, “you just look them in the eye and let them know, ‘no!’ and you mean business!”
this was shocking to me. to be so aggressive. she’s far more black+white than i.
i had to think in her perspective. she had endured higher ed, earning a doctorate in a tough male dominated world. plus, animals, her study, animals definitely use their eyes, their voices/sounds, body language, and more non-verbal cues to navigate their worlds.
i wasn’t sure if i should share this.
but, maybe it is useful regarding this general question of eye contact.
btw. i don’t believe i ever “took on” my friend’s exact advice.
but, i try to be conscious of what my eyes and posture, i.e., looking away, or down, may be conveying.
i had not thought, if i look down/away, does this invite males to “come after” me?
you know, the hunt.
i mean, it’s real. i thought i was escaping, protecting myself. did they think, “prey?”
we are so complex. and, such amatuers!
when i was young, i believed being married with children WAS my protection.
in the past, i believe it was much more the case. today, it does not seem to matter.
to some, it may even seem a challenge to overcome. lots of twisted thinking out there, males+females.
i do use BRIEF eye-to-eye contact mostly to ensure the other person, male or female, gets the message i recognize their presence.
with young men, more than others, i sense they often feel invisible.
in a GLANCE, i try to convey, “i see you.” “you are real.”
which seems appreciated, and not provocative.
of course, i now have the bonus+freedom of being “older,” which helps remove various social dilemmas.
it’s not easy being young.
Joy,
if you see this, i have marveled and wondered how you might navigate these things in prison settings?! not everyone could do this. for myself, i’m sure it would be a train wreck.
i am too easily fooled, i’m too slow to foresee disasters. i so admire you. and appreciate your unique perspectives, insights, experiences. you are specially blessed.
