Dealing with Death

[Neto]

Keeping any kind of in home memorial such as a child's bedroom in memory of a son or daughter would not seem to be healthy. ....

This is something I don't think has been brought up here before - memorials. Tombstones are such a part of life across so many cultures that I don't think about (questioning) that, but where I grew up I'm not aware that crosses were put up and maintained for years afterwards at the site where an auto accident resulted in death. So although I was a bit uneasy with it when I was asked to do it here in Holmes County, now after 11 years I don't think of it as strange anymore. Should I? We do have paintings displayed that were done by the young man who was our daughter's boyfriend. (This was 11 years ago last Tuesday.) We still see his parents regularly, and consider them to be also sort of family, like adopted grandparents to our daughter's son, our grandchild (even though there is no actual blood relationship).

[lesterb]

Keeping any kind of in home memorial such as a child's bedroom in memory of a son or daughter would not seem to be healthy. In our old order circles we do have yearly gatherings for those who have experienced accidental deaths in the family - it is a way or remembering and also of sharing with those whose loss is more recent. Without having any experience, it still seems to me that talking about what happened with people who can relate must help in dealing with the loss or grief.

I still don't feel any grief over the death of my parents or sisters; instead, considering their circumstances and or belief in life after death, it is more like the opposite of grief. I miss not being able to ask them questions - they were a source of family information that is gone.

I don't think there is any "one size fits all" for this subject. I have relatives who have a small memorial in their bedroom for a baby that died, and it is still a real part of their conversation even though close to ten years have gone by. My sister set up a little memory corner for my parents in their apartment.

On the other hand, I know a man who refuses to talk about two sons who drowned. Nor does he want to see pictures of them and he doesn't want his family to talk about them.

People have different ways of coping. The extremes in both directions don't seem healthy, but I don't see that we have to judge people for the way they feel comfortable in handling it, even if it wouldn't be our way.

[Signtist]

My first experience with death was when I was quite young. My paternal grandparents passed away when I was 4 and 6, I believe. I only remember a profound feeling of sadness at the funerals, nothing else. Then when I was 21, one of my closest friends was killed in a single vehicle accident. That was tough for me. Six weeks from his wedding, and his life was ended. Our youth group seemed to have different ways of processing the event. Some seemed happy to forget about it, and couldn’t figure out why the rest of us made such a big deal about his passing. Why could we not just be happy that he was with Jesus? they seemed to wonder. And some of us spent quite a bit of time sharing memories, especially with his sisters. It was what they wanted (needed) at the time, and I don’t regret the time we spent trying to be there for them. During this period of my life, death didn’t frighten me, but I did not want to die. What would it be like to be married? What would it be like to be a daddy, and look at your newborn child for the first time? Some people get up and testify how they just can’t wait to go Home. And while I want to meet my family and friends in heaven someday, I’m not really chomping at the bit and begging God to take me. I have responsibilities here to that family I once only dreamed of, and to leave them would be hard. Then a pastor, who was a friend of mine in a situation where pastors and friends were not normally the same person, died after a short battle with cancer. Watching his family say goodbye was difficult. There’s no good way to do it. Whether you get to say goodbye, or whether you don’t, death is ugly. Each of his daughters seem to process it differently. And his widow, poor woman. How does one go about comforting her? He was her life, and now she gets to do life without him. Then there’s my sister-in-law’s homicide. That one shook my faith. Still does, some days. How could God allow that, when it’s not His will that anybody perishes? We prayed for her. A lot. I never once doubted that God heard and one day our prayers would be answered. And maybe they were, tho I suppose I’ll never know. But it sure seemed like my faith was misplaced at the time. Death is ugly. There’s no getting around it. If someone has lived a long life, I can somewhat reconcile it. But when it’s someone young and close to you? I have no idea how we should “deal” with death in those cases. I’m sorry that this is jumbled, but it suits my thoughts at the moment!