When to open a can of worms...

Christian ethics and theology with an Anabaptist perspective
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steve-in-kville
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When to open a can of worms...

Post by steve-in-kville »

.... and when not to??

I thinks its safe to say that each one of us has a skeleton in the closet. Maybe more than one. Its not that we are hiding it, but we're not exactly going around telling everyone. Perhaps you failed morally in times past. Perhaps you were an addict. Maybe you had a child that strayed and "went off the reservation." Regardless, we all have things that the entire world just doesn't need to know.

This being said, what do you disclose to a minister at church? What do you disclose to the brotherhood in general? We all know the consequences of telling someone too much, but we do not want to be accused of being deceptive?

Where's the line? Is there one?

I'll give an example: My wife once shared in her ladies Sunday School class that my 12 y/o son was accused of stealing from a neighbor and that the police were involved. After the church service was over, the husbands of these other ladies approached me and began questioning my son's integrity, honesty, my ability as the leader in the home, etc. It blew up in our faces. There should have been some discretion used there (my wife didn't mean for that to happen!).

Please discuss.
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Bootstrap
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Re: When to open a can of worms...

Post by Bootstrap »

steve-in-kville wrote:I'll give an example: My wife once shared in her ladies Sunday School class that my 12 y/o son was accused of stealing from a neighbor and that the police were involved. After the church service was over, the husbands of these other ladies approached me and began questioning my son's integrity, honesty, my ability as the leader in the home, etc. It blew up in our faces. There should have been some discretion used there (my wife didn't mean for that to happen!).
Ouch.

I used to share very openly all the time in that kind of setting. Over time, I've come to believe that it's important for me to share with someone - a spiritual mentor, a close friend - but not with everyone. When you make yourself vulnerable, you want to have the kind of relationship that gives you confidence that the people you are sharing with will not betray your trust.

And I've seen too many people who have been burned by this.

I don't have black and white rules. Discernment is important. God will show you. But if you are in hiding about important parts of your life, that's not right, you need someone you can trust enough to share, believing that they can pray for you and give you guidance. Not everyone has that gift or calling.
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silentreader
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Re: When to open a can of worms...

Post by silentreader »

Bootstrap wrote:
steve-in-kville wrote:I'll give an example: My wife once shared in her ladies Sunday School class that my 12 y/o son was accused of stealing from a neighbor and that the police were involved. After the church service was over, the husbands of these other ladies approached me and began questioning my son's integrity, honesty, my ability as the leader in the home, etc. It blew up in our faces. There should have been some discretion used there (my wife didn't mean for that to happen!).
Ouch.

I used to share very openly all the time in that kind of setting. Over time, I've come to believe that it's important for me to share with someone - a spiritual mentor, a close friend - but not with everyone. When you make yourself vulnerable, you want to have the kind of relationship that gives you confidence that the people you are sharing with will not betray your trust.

And I've seen too many people who have been burned by this.

I don't have black and white rules. Discernment is important. God will show you. But if you are in hiding about important parts of your life, that's not right, you need someone you can trust enough to share, believing that they can pray for you and give you guidance. Not everyone has that gift or calling.
I agree, but shouldn't that sensitivity be a quickly developing hallmark of a practising Christian?
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Bootstrap
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Re: When to open a can of worms...

Post by Bootstrap »

silentreader wrote:I agree, but shouldn't that sensitivity be a quickly developing hallmark of a practising Christian?
Yes, and it's a good thing to look for when you are deciding whether to join a fellowship.
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Sudsy
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Re: When to open a can of worms...

Post by Sudsy »

steve-in-kville wrote:.... and when not to??

I thinks its safe to say that each one of us has a skeleton in the closet. Maybe more than one. Its not that we are hiding it, but we're not exactly going around telling everyone. Perhaps you failed morally in times past. Perhaps you were an addict. Maybe you had a child that strayed and "went off the reservation." Regardless, we all have things that the entire world just doesn't need to know.

This being said, what do you disclose to a minister at church? What do you disclose to the brotherhood in general? We all know the consequences of telling someone too much, but we do not want to be accused of being deceptive?

Where's the line? Is there one?

I'll give an example: My wife once shared in her ladies Sunday School class that my 12 y/o son was accused of stealing from a neighbor and that the police were involved. After the church service was over, the husbands of these other ladies approached me and began questioning my son's integrity, honesty, my ability as the leader in the home, etc. It blew up in our faces. There should have been some discretion used there (my wife didn't mean for that to happen!).

Please discuss.
Basically, if the Lord has put our transgressions in the sea of His forgetfulness, then why dig up our forgiven failures. I have dug these up at times and find that other Christians are not as forgiving. There seems to often be a group or individual who will like to major on what they think are the weaknesses of others. Perhaps like the Pharisees and they are convinced what they are doing is for the good. They need the 2x4 taken from their own eye and then they could see their attitudes about forgiveness.

I would suggest to disclose nothing to a minister or the brotherhood unless asked and when asked try to find out why they are asking. Impress upon them that God has forgiven us and is working in us to be more Christ like. It would be great if a brotherhood was truly concerned and forgiving in their ways with each other but that is seldom the reality of a church community. Many do not go to church any longer today because of these attacks within the local church. Busybodies as the scripture puts it.
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Josh
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Re: When to open a can of worms...

Post by Josh »

(1) I like what Bootstrap said.

(2) That's not a healthy congregation.
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JimFoxvog
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Re: When to open a can of worms...

Post by JimFoxvog »

A good question!

How much can you trust the people you are sharing with? Do we act out of the trust that's deserved or the trust we'd like to have? Does love matter more than differences?

I have my eccentricities that some Christians disapprove of. I believe in being open and honest. But why open a can of worms? It's a discernment issue in each case; sometimes it is good to stir the pot.

A brother on MD counseled me to remove a reference to one of my eccentricities from my profile there and I toned it down. In my fellowship I've learned who I can talk to about some matters, and who will take offense. Yesterday I very indirectly referred to something the brother I was talking with gets upset at, but he was not sidetracked and the friendly converstation was able to continue.
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Chris
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Re: When to open a can of worms...

Post by Chris »

Nope.

Skeletons are dead. Leave them buried in the closet. That's the way I see it. There is nothing you can do about a dead skeleton. What matters is what you do today in your life in Christ.

If churches are that bored to look for issues in times past, they really REALLY need to start telling people about Jesus and stop wasting their time trying to bury the dead skeletons.

Also, you don't need stuff blown up in your face. With that said, if there is something that could harm others in the church, you probably should disclose it. Such as if you have a sexually transmitted disease etc. (Hep, herpes, etc.) and you share a common cup.

I had one older guy at church tell me how this young man got his wife pregnant BEFORE they were married. My response "So what's that to me, I'm glad they got married". I mean wow guys. Is it supposed to be like "ooooo look, they did fornication!!!" wow, snivelty snivet, snicker snicker now I got my ounce of gossip to shmoz and spread around... It was ridiculous.

I guess his message was "Jesus doesn't forgive, and I am perfect". Actually a great response to gossip is "So I guess Jesus doesn't forgive, nobody forgets, and we are perfect!"

We must forgive others.... OH and one other thing, it's probably not good to pry into other people's lives either. Have a good meaningful relationship, but to seek out dirt, gossip, and/or issues is NOT healthy and not a good idea. If you have skeletons, have you asked Jesus for forgiveness? Have you repented? Do you believe Jesus forgives AND forgets? Let it go - skeletons are dead.
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Chris
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Re: When to open a can of worms...

Post by Chris »

steve-in-kville wrote:
It blew up in our faces. There should have been some discretion used there (my wife didn't mean for that to happen!).

Please discuss.
So I guess Jesus doesn't forgive, nobody forgets, and the men are all perfect fathers.

Cast the first stone, if you please.
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steve-in-kville
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Re: When to open a can of worms...

Post by steve-in-kville »

Chris wrote:Is it supposed to be like "ooooo look, they did fornication!!!" wow, snivelty snivet, snicker snicker now I got my ounce of gossip to shmoz and spread around... It was ridiculous.
I just shot seltzer through my nose over that one!! Glad I missed the keyboard...

Yeah, and 20 years later no one will remember that their first child was conceived out of wedlock. Fancy how that works :roll:
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