Church influence of family size?

[eccentric_rambler]

One of the social pressures that bothers me the most is the attitude that young couples who have their first child before some arbitrary date, such as two years after marriage, are rushing things and don't care enough about their marriage.

The idea that babies should be postponed a few years in order to “enjoy life first”, bothers me much more.

I think that is the spirit behind the comment, it is only an attempt to sanctify the same attitude. In other words, if you have not had lots of "fun times" and made "good memories" before children come you won't have a good a marriage.

[mike]

One of the social pressures that bothers me the most is the attitude that young couples who have their first child before some arbitrary date, such as two years after marriage, are rushing things and don't care enough about their marriage.

The idea that babies should be postponed a few years in order to “enjoy life first”, bothers me much more.

I think that is the spirit behind the comment, it is only an attempt to sanctify the same attitude. In other words, if you have not had lots of "fun times" and made "good memories" before children come you won't have a good a marriage.

I think finances may enter in. From my observation, a few years of marriage without children often mean both spouses will be working. It is impressive what some of these young folks can accumulate these days by the time they get married, and when two people marry and combine finances and continue working, they can pay down a house or other major assets pretty fast. That or just live a higher lifestyle than if they had to rely on one income plus have the expenses of having children. It's up for debate whether this somehow creates a better marriage or not. I think marriages where people choose to have children early on, in spite of the financial constraints, can be pretty amazing marriages.

[eccentric_rambler]

I think finances may enter in. From my observation, a few years of marriage without children often mean both spouses will be working. It is impressive what some of these young folks can accumulate these days by the time they get married, and when two people marry and combine finances and continue working, they can pay down a house or other major assets pretty fast. That or just live a higher lifestyle than if they had to rely on one income plus have the expenses of having children. It's up for debate whether this somehow creates a better marriage or not. I think marriages where people choose to have children early on, in spite of the financial constraints, can be pretty amazing marriages.

Does seeking first the kingdom of God fit here?

[Soloist]

I think finances may enter in. From my observation, a few years of marriage without children often mean both spouses will be working. It is impressive what some of these young folks can accumulate these days by the time they get married, and when two people marry and combine finances and continue working, they can pay down a house or other major assets pretty fast. That or just live a higher lifestyle than if they had to rely on one income plus have the expenses of having children. It's up for debate whether this somehow creates a better marriage or not. I think marriages where people choose to have children early on, in spite of the financial constraints, can be pretty amazing marriages.

Does seeking first the kingdom of God fit here?

I would agree. The Scriptures speak of a woman's role and it isn't delay children so they have financial success by having the wife work.

[RZehr]

The idea that babies should be postponed a few years in order to “enjoy life first”, bothers me much more.

I think that is the spirit behind the comment, it is only an attempt to sanctify the same attitude. In other words, if you have not had lots of "fun times" and made "good memories" before children come you won't have a good a marriage.

I think finances may enter in. From my observation, a few years of marriage without children often mean both spouses will be working. It is impressive what some of these young folks can accumulate these days by the time they get married, and when two people marry and combine finances and continue working, they can pay down a house or other major assets pretty fast. That or just live a higher lifestyle than if they had to rely on one income plus have the expenses of having children. It's up for debate whether this somehow creates a better marriage or not. I think marriages where people choose to have children early on, in spite of the financial constraints, can be pretty amazing marriages.

I’m not sure it’s a better thing for our churches or marriages. Isn’t this just establishing that materialism takes precedence over children? And, is it a good thing for us to become accustomed to a higher lifestyle for a little bit, and then it declines when children come?
While I’m not a hardliner on this, and no one would really care what I think on this issue, it is still something that I have to wonder about.

Children should be very highly valued and celebrated and should be something that we are willing to make large sacrifice's for. They are priceless.

[Josh]

One of the social pressures that bothers me the most is the attitude that young couples who have their first child before some arbitrary date, such as two years after marriage, are rushing things and don't care enough about their marriage.

The idea that babies should be postponed a few years in order to “enjoy life first”, bothers me much more.

Indeed, and this idea has somehow snuck into the back door. The idea that a couple needs birth control to have a healthy marriage seems patently ridiculous. Otherwise, God would have, well, given people birth control for the last 5,970 years.

Lots of worldly people delay having kids and it doesn't mean they have healthy marriages.

[eccentric_rambler]

I agree with what is being said. The problem I usually have is feeling unable to address this in discussions since we have been unable to have birth children. We have adopted, and that has been a wild ride. Mostly just rambling in this post.

[RZehr]

I agree with what is being said. The problem I usually have is feeling unable to address this in discussions since we have been unable to have birth children. We have adopted, and that has been a wild ride. Mostly just rambling in this post.

Do you find it easy to tell people that you cannot have children? I mean clearly you do say so online. But if someone from church who doesn’t know that, is it difficult? Or, is it easy and it is known that you can’t?

[mike]

I agree with what is being said. The problem I usually have is feeling unable to address this in discussions since we have been unable to have birth children. We have adopted, and that has been a wild ride. Mostly just rambling in this post.

You have things of value to say, just like experienced singles have something to say to married people and vice versa. Our church had an elder for ten years who was single, and he had a lot of wise insights about marriage even though he was single his whole life. Just because you don't have experience in a field doesn't mean you are completely ignorant, and a lot of principles are the same whether you have birth children or not.

Here's another thing, a lot of time people who have children are in the trenches and don't have an outside perspective on things, where people who have a different perspective might be able to offer some wisdom that comes from observation. That said, for a person without children to become highly critical of how people are raising their children can also be very damaging and hurtful. Ask me how I know.

[Josh]

I used to feel free to discuss these things back when I was a single (technically divorced) person. Of course, part of my perspective was that I had previously been a foster and adoptive parent, but I didn't always feel the need to disclose that fact first... it is interesting who would simply listen to another brother sharing an opinion, versus those who tended to have an attitude of "it's impossible for you to know anything that you're talking about since you aren't a parent".

I can also add that being married for 7 years with studious use of birth control does not do anything to strengthen a marriage, or at least it didn't in my case.