Why are we afraid of Physical Affection?

Christian ethics and theology with an Anabaptist perspective
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Signtist
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Why are we afraid of Physical Affection?

Post by Signtist »

Hat's Off got me to thinking in the Why don't mennonite men hug thread. I'm not going to corner him personally, his family dynamic is his business. But why are we afraid of physical displays of affection? Why is there teaching out there that hugging/kissing (in families) is inappropriate? Assuming that it's ok for a dad to hug his own young children, when is this supposed to stop? (according to those who discourage affection) I wasn't raised in a "huggy" family, but my wife's changing that! My 6 year old son still expects a kiss before I leave for work most days. Pretty sure that'll change!
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silentreader
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Re: Why are we afraid of Physical Affection?

Post by silentreader »

Signtist wrote:Hat's Off got me to thinking in the Why don't mennonite men hug thread. I'm not going to corner him personally, his family dynamic is his business. But why are we afraid of physical displays of affection? Why is there teaching out there that hugging/kissing (in families) is inappropriate? Assuming that it's ok for a dad to hug his own young children, when is this supposed to stop? (according to those who discourage affection) I wasn't raised in a "huggy" family, but my wife's changing that! My 6 year old son still expects a kiss before I leave for work most days. Pretty sure that'll change!
My wife and I have 4 daughters, the 3 oldest married, the youngest 27 but unmarried. My wife and I will still often hug them when we meet, especially if its been awhile or depending on the occasion.
Our oldest daughter is married and has 5 daughters and they live about 3 hours away. We will all hug each other, including the father, whenever we meet or part. 2 of the girls are at the age where certain discretion is required in the manner of hug given.
About 6 months ago when my best friend died, I was standing by myself in the cemetery crying after the committal, 3 of my daughters came and hugged me as well as a no-longer-Mennonite friend of my youngest daughter. This especially was a blessing to me because I knew that she has had some negative father-experiences in her own life.
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Josh
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Re: Why are we afraid of Physical Affection?

Post by Josh »

At the risk of sounding like a prude, I'm glad there's a lot less hugging in Mennonite circles; there's an intense amount of awkwardness with constantly hugging people of the opposite sex, especially if a side-hug or a hunchback-hug will be interpreted as "being tense" or "not being comfortable with yourself". Life is just a lot easier without that.
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Signtist
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Re: Why are we afraid of Physical Affection?

Post by Signtist »

I'm OK with your position, Josh. But in families? At funerals? To discourage this seems, well, weird.
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ken_sylvania
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Re: Why are we afraid of Physical Affection?

Post by ken_sylvania »

Signtist wrote:I'm OK with your position, Josh. But in families? At funerals? To discourage this seems, well, weird.
I believe the thought is that proper reserve is best taught beginning in the home. Also, that if hugging (especially mixed hugging) is not proper in a normal setting, why should a funeral be any different?
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JimFoxvog
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Re: Why are we afraid of Physical Affection?

Post by JimFoxvog »

We're afraid of physical affection because we confuse it with sexual affection, we confuse expressions of love with expressions of sexual desire. Our culture encourages that. I think a non-conformity with the sexualization of our culture would be very free physical expressions of love with all our brothers and sisters. Of course this needs to be in a church community that practices high standards of sexual morality so it is a good witness to the world.
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Neto
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Re: Why are we afraid of Physical Affection?

Post by Neto »

When we were living in Brazil, and would come back to the States, even my Beachy Amish father-in-law would hug me. (And he grew up Amish, and was until my wife was 12.) In my own family background (MB - Mennonite Brethren), I'd guess that it was when I was about 11 or 12 that the hugs stopped, until I left for Bible college at nearly 19. That WAS weird for me, because why all of a sudden again?! Our daughter didn't like being hugged too much when she was small - I think it felt too confining to her. I eventually accepted that, and backed off, but the bad part was that when she was older she would have liked a hug now & then, but the habit was already formed, and I didn't realize that she now wanted it, and she didn't initiate it, either. (I was also perhaps overly cautious about the danger of being accused of child molestation, and so I agree with those who have mentioned that the sexualization of physical affection is a big part of the problem.) My youngest son has always been affectionate, and sometimes even now, in his early to mid twenties, and still here in the home, he will hug me. Since we worked in Brazil, where hugging across genders is very common, and with non-Mennonite co-workers, that is the awkward part for me, being approached with a hug by a woman who is not dressed plain. (The times when we get together is most often in the summer, so think summer styles for non-plain women.)

Concerning expressions of physical affection for brothers in the congregation, there are some that wouldn't want to be hugged, so I wouldn't. In respect to the 'holy kiss' vs a 'holy hug', regardless of which it is, if it is not a real expression of affection, then it seems hypocritical to me. (Just my feelings on this.)
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TeleBodyofChrist
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Re: Why are we afraid of Physical Affection?

Post by TeleBodyofChrist »

I have always felt awkward with physical affection especially public. I did not want my Mom hugging me growing up. Since, I became a mother I do hug my children but not all the time. My husband is the affectionate one. It was definitely not my upbringing as I said my Mom was affectionate. I think it is just my personality.
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