'anabaptist' Attitude Toward Adoption

[Josh]

Josh, I object to that statement. Each child is "different" and wonderfully unique. Stereotypes are not okay. This is absolutely no different that saying that that "outsiders" who come in are "quite different" than those who are born into an anabaptist home. For years now folks have been surprised when I tell them I wasn't raised Mennonite- they honestly could not tell. When people have a vague knowledge that one of us has non-Mennonite background, they almost always decide it is my spouse! Statements like this are unfair and can be cruel. Please be careful.

Unfortunately, Josh makes these sorts of statements whenever adoption is discussed here on MennoNet. Just be aware this doesn't reflect the views of most (or maybe any) other people here.

The fact each child is different and wonderfully unique doesn’t mean that unique problems that seem to happen much more often in adoptive families aren’t real or shouldn’t be discussed. Being in denial of reality doesn’t change reality.

To give an extreme example, one adoptive family is in denial their child has a problem, even when it got to the point of their child setting fires and breaking into the neighbour’s house. Things would be a lot better if they could accept reality.

I’m willing to speak truth even if it hurts feelings. And I only speak on this issue because I’m an adoptive and foster parent myself and grew up with foster and adopted siblings. I am also supportive of foster parenting and adoption. Part of being supportive means living in reality.

[Neto]

Josh, I object to that statement. Each child is "different" and wonderfully unique. Stereotypes are not okay. This is absolutely no different that saying that that "outsiders" who come in are "quite different" than those who are born into an anabaptist home. For years now folks have been surprised when I tell them I wasn't raised Mennonite- they honestly could not tell. When people have a vague knowledge that one of us has non-Mennonite background, they almost always decide it is my spouse! Statements like this are unfair and can be cruel. Please be careful.

Unfortunately, Josh makes these sorts of statements whenever adoption is discussed here on MennoNet. Just be aware this doesn't reflect the views of most (or maybe any) other people here.

The fact each child is different and wonderfully unique doesn’t mean that unique problems that seem to happen much more often in adoptive families aren’t real or shouldn’t be discussed. Being in denial of reality doesn’t change reality.

To give an extreme example, one adoptive family is in denial their child has a problem, even when it got to the point of their child setting fires and breaking into the neighbour’s house. Things would be a lot better if they could accept reality.

I’m willing to speak truth even if it hurts feelings. And I only speak on this issue because I’m an adoptive and foster parent myself and grew up with foster and adopted siblings. I am also supportive of foster parenting and adoption. Part of being supportive means living in reality.

Awareness is the first step toward Preparedness.

[Verity]

Josh, I object to that statement. Each child is "different" and wonderfully unique. Stereotypes are not okay. This is absolutely no different that saying that that "outsiders" who come in are "quite different" than those who are born into an anabaptist home. For years now folks have been surprised when I tell them I wasn't raised Mennonite- they honestly could not tell. When people have a vague knowledge that one of us has non-Mennonite background, they almost always decide it is my spouse! Statements like this are unfair and can be cruel. Please be careful.

Unfortunately, Josh makes these sorts of statements whenever adoption is discussed here on MennoNet. Just be aware this doesn't reflect the views of most (or maybe any) other people here.

The fact each child is different and wonderfully unique doesn’t mean that unique problems that seem to happen much more often in adoptive families aren’t real or shouldn’t be discussed. Being in denial of reality doesn’t change reality.

To give an extreme example, one adoptive family is in denial their child has a problem, even when it got to the point of their child setting fires and breaking into the neighbors house. Things would be a lot better if they could accept reality.

I’m willing to speak truth even if it hurts feelings. And I only speak on this issue because I’m an adoptive and foster parent myself and grew up with foster and adopted siblings. I am also supportive of foster parenting and adoption. Part of being supportive means living in reality.

I could cite examples of troubled biological children guilty of arson and worse as well. If the parents are denying the problem, doesn't that clearly reveal a serious problem with the parents that just might have affected the child in various ways?

Denial has no place in our life as Christians. We are to be walking in the light, in truth. I hate denial and its consequences. I've watched an entire community explode with mental and emotional breakdowns because very real problems were denied over and over again. I've watched people die at their own hands because of denial. Accepting reality, however, and changing reality are two different subjects. I don't have to accept the reality that a troubled child will be a troubled adult- because help is available. I don't have to accept that because parents are silent about sin I must be as well. Truth can be spoken in love and wonderful grace-filled changes can take place. I've seen that too.

The fact that you yourself have experience with adoption does help. Thanks for that clarification. I myself have experience with divorce- my parents, all of my aunts and uncles and one set of grandparents were divorced. If I'd be a statistics person, statistically my marriage doesn't stand a chance. But you know what? My grandparents, aunt and uncles all beat the odds and made changes so that their second marriages have been successful (which statistically is only a 40% chance). I can learn, too, and beat those statistics- by God's grace. Adopted children DO face more challenges. I'm not denying it. People with autoimmune face more challenges (experience speaking). My special needs cousins face more challenges. But by God's grace, we are all doing very well and making statistics look like a joke. Is that the story every time? No. I have amazing family/medical/community support that not everyone has. I guess I fall under the category of "privileged", though I personally hate that term because it isn't something we get to choose.

Nobody but God has the right to determine our story. But we can sure cripple His script by buying into all the negative story lines that others may try to impose on us. So when someone tries to push that kind of negative doomsday talk on me, I can choose to respond "Sorry, you don't hold the pen."

[eccentric_rambler]

Verity, we have adopted as well, and have no birth children. I appreciate your testimony of victory when statistics would forecast otherwise. That said, what Josh says does resonate with me. I think too often plain people expect adopted children to respond exactly like the majority of children they have experience with - children with no inkling of the kinds of trauma and loss that many adopted children have experienced. Perhaps my view would be different if we had adopted infants. That said, one of our sons has a struggle very similar to one I had as a young man. Would many people blame his struggle on his adoption and past, things I did not have to deal with yet I faced many of the same temptations and failures? I think so. So adoption can't always be a scapegoat.

Realistically, though, those adopted when their ages are in the double digits have a whole lot more baggage to deal with, baggage that many plain people are hardly equipped to handle because the issues are so foreign to them. I remember once we sat down with one of our ministers and his wife. We needed advice on how to respond to a major boundary one of the boys had crossed. I had explained the situation to the brother beforehand. We went into some details while talking to them and she audibly gasped and put her hand to her mouth. Was it a big deal? Yes. Do I think this sister was capable of giving good counsel? Yes, in the short term, of the "we support you and will do what we can to help" sort. To be able to help my wife work through her emotions and relate to the situation? This sister readily admitted she couldn't, because the idea someone would do what the boy had done was so foreign to her.

I know some plain people who are doing amazing work with fostering and adoption. Although I am not sure I am in that category I am sure my wife is (she would protest). It has been interesting watching her grow into this role, from a fairly traditionally minded ultra raised in the center of the Mennonite universe to someone open-minded enough to learn from a wide variety of Christians and non-Christians. That open-mindedness is the root of the issue. I see some similarities between those who relate well to seekers and those who do well with fostering and adoption. Both require relating to people who do not fit the mold of the behavior or thinking normally expected.

Enough rambling, back to work.

[JayP]

This debate continues to irritate me.
I can see the bias coming through with some of you.

I will post for the last time on this topic.

1). If you have an interest in adopt or dealing with an adoption related issue seek help somewhere other than a board like this.
2). In Anabaptist circles, yes, adoption CAN be hard if only because of the Anabaptist aspect rather than the adoption. Yes, this means YOU.

[Josh]

Reality has a bias.

[JayP]

And something like 50% of marriages end in divorce. Are you down on marriage too?

[Josh]

And something like 50% of marriages end in divorce. Are you down on marriage too?

I never said I am against adoption. I simply think we should be realistic about what happens.

We should be realistic about marriage too and seek to understand why so many end up divorced, and also pertinent risk factors.

For Anabaptists, I believe the “we decided to pay $50k to adopt a child because after years of fertility treatments we couldn’t have our own child” is a high risk pattern, along with “We keep adopting children because we want bigger payments from the state” being the highest. Adopted children can unconsciously tell when they weren’t really wanted.

I have rubric for adoption and fostering: if you would be unwilling to foster this child for 6 months and return them to their birth family… or unwilling to adopt this child if you already had a few of your own natural born children… I have a heavy heart about whether adoption will work out well for you.

[Elmer]

Anabaptist attitudes toward adoption may vary as much as there are Anabaptists. Each person has their own biases and perceptions.

There is a group out there to support conservative Anabaptists in adoption: https://lovingarms.life/

[GoodGirl]

I would love to adopt!

But as it is, God sent us plenty of our own, so it’s not practical for us. Maybe someday!