Sexual abuse in Churches

[Bootstrap]

I would like to have a thread to discuss sexual abuse in our churches and how we should approach the issue. I would like to focus on:

• Personal experiences, but without naming names of individuals or churches.
• Thoughts about how we can make it harder for these things to happen in secret in our churches.
• Thoughts about the best way to handle accusations when they come up.

In this thread, I suggest these guidelines:

• Please do not accuse specific people or name names of people you strongly disagree with. A public internet forum is not the right place for a hearing.
• Please do not debate what "the true percentage" is, none of us knows what we do not know.
• Please do not confront other participants.
• Please do not focus on a particular kind of churches, such as conservative Mennonites or Catholics. It's not about the denomination.
• Please do not debate these guidelines in this thread. They are important for the kind of conversation I would like to see, there are other threads for other kinds of conversations.

Sharing personal experiences is welcome.

Here's the problem as I see it.

Churches are built on trust, and we need to be able to trust each other. Ideally, you shouldn't ever have to think about the possibility that someone in a church might abuse your children, and when this kind of thing happens, our first instinct is denial. It reflects badly on us. We expect our churches to protect our children from the evil we see in the world, and when this kind of thing happens, we see that we have failed.

But churches are also human, and human beings do really bad things sometimes. Churches are meant to be a place where we walk with victims and stand up for them, but victims often face churches that do not believe them, and in some settings victims may even be kicked out of the church and have their friends abandon them. Churches are supposed to be a place of healing. What is our responsibility to victims?

Churches are also meant to be a place of redemption, but we know that many perpetrators do not repent and continue to be a risk to their communities. And we probably shouldn't treat all kinds of offenses the same way - a teenage boy who touches a teenage girl after she says no is pretty different from a church leader who uses his power and influence to groom children over a period of years. What is our responsibility to perpetrators? What does the path of redemption look like, and what boundaries do we need to be safe from perpetrators who are on this path?

Sexual abuse thrives on silence, and there's a real temptation to just blurt out every accusation as publicly as possible. But is that really good for the victim and the accused? Where and how should these things be discussed? Sexual abuse is usually done in secret, what kind of evidence do we need to know that a claim is true? How do we avoid demanding more proof from victims than a victim can possibly provide? How do we avoid believing false claims?

[ragpicker]

Thank you! I look forward to this important conversation.

[RZehr]

I would like to focus on:
[*] Thoughts about how we can make it harder for these things to happen in secret in our churches.

I'd like to see what policy Eastern wrote. If anyone can provide me with one, I thank you.
I like the thought of a policy for the church. It wouldn't have to be super defined, but I like that idea.
We have our own schools. I think there should be teaching that a student can feel safe confiding in the teachers.
Not all families practice the same level of modesty in the home. Whatever level we have, we should take the time to teach our children that this here is okay, and this is not. Teach them about grooming, and that certain things are not okay regardless who it is. Even if it is one of their parents or grandparents, sibling, anyone!
Tell them exactly what to do if certain things happen, and exactly what to do in certain scenarios. Remind them. Don't teach the older ones and then forget about the younger ones.

[*] Thoughts about the best way to handle accusations when they come up.[/list]

I don't believe there is a nice easy crisp, cookie cutter way to handle this - even for people who are not afraid to make lines.

There is an obligation to both sides. And there is no consensus on definition, on seriousness, on forgiveness, on accountability etc. Seems like each church, each preacher is making it up as they go, just using the resources, information, and counsel given to him. And often when you have someone making a judgement call, you have someone else saying that the wrong call was made.
I believe with our stronger than average teaching on forgiveness and non-resistance, we do not hold the perpetrator (1.) as accountable as sometimes we should, and (2.) as accountable as our non-Christian society thinks we should.

I think there is such a hollow sound to societies outrage against sexual abuse. I think a large reason for it is because it is titillating. With no absolutes, and right and wrong being redefined, God will give them over to a reprobate mind. And I think peak outrage comes right before acceptance. Society loudly rejected same-sex marriage right before they accepted it. I suppose society hollered around about divorce and remarriage at one time too. This country had a war on drugs, not we have an epidemic of drug use and are legalizing it.
I wonder what Sodom and Gomorrah view on sexual assault was.

All that to say this: I don't think we should look to society to tell us the level of "badness" one sin has over another. Right now society gasps in horror at sexual abuse but would loudly applaud homosexual activity.
But I do think we should give it some consideration because if we are wanting to be a light, then we should consider how things appear to the world and respond accordingly where we can. So we should not gasp in horror at homosexual activity and yawn with boredom at sexual abuse.

I'll add this thought too - I don't believe there is as much "sweeping and hiding" as some think. I believe it can happen, but I've never seen it.
What I have seen, is ministry teams deciding after investigation that what happened didn't warrant excommunication, or didn't warrant reporting to police, or they felt nothing happened or whatever. In my opinion, most of this is simply bad judgement, or lack of information etc. I know of no ministry that I felt was complicit in hiding someone. Duped maybe, but not complicit. Onlookers seldom have a grasp of both sides, and often when it is in a church or community, sides are immediately taken before the other side gives their side. And so the ministry is either "sweeping & hiding", or else "not forgiving and being ungraceful".
And the whole time we have society looking over our shoulder making sure we do it according to their current definition of "right" or else.

[ragpicker]

Kind of a side note: I am of the opinion that the current hue and cry in general society is unclean in nature and more harmful than helpful to victims.

[ragpicker]

I would like to focus on:
[*] Thoughts about how we can make it harder for these things to happen in secret in our churches.

I'd like to see what policy Eastern wrote. If anyone can provide me with one, I thank you.
I like the thought of a policy for the church. It wouldn't have to be super defined, but I like that idea.
We have our own schools. I think there should be teaching that a student can feel safe confiding in the teachers.
Not all families practice the same level of modesty in the home. Whatever level we have, we should take the time to teach our children that this here is okay, and this is not. Teach them about grooming, and that certain things are not okay regardless who it is. Even if it is one of their parents or grandparents, sibling, anyone!
Tell them exactly what to do if certain things happen, and exactly what to do in certain scenarios. Remind them. Don't teach the older ones and then forget about the younger ones.

[*] Thoughts about the best way to handle accusations when they come up.[/list]

I don't believe there is a nice easy crisp, cookie cutter way to handle this - even for people who are not afraid to make lines.

There is an obligation to both sides. And there is no consensus on definition, on seriousness, on forgiveness, on accountability etc. Seems like each church, each preacher is making it up as they go, just using the resources, information, and counsel given to him. And often when you have someone making a judgement call, you have someone else saying that the wrong call was made.
I believe with our stronger than average teaching on forgiveness and non-resistance, we do not hold the perpetrator (1.) as accountable as sometimes we should, and (2.) as accountable as our non-Christian society thinks we should.

I think there is such a hollow sound to societies outrage against sexual abuse. With no absolutes, and right and wrong being redefined, God will give them over to a reprobate mind. And I think peak outrage comes right before acceptance. Society loudly rejected same-sex marriage right before they accepted it. I suppose society hollered around about divorce and remarriage at one time too. This country had a war on drugs, not we have an epidemic of drug use and are legalizing it.
I wonder what Sodom and Gomorrah view on sexual assault was.

All that to say this: I don't think we should look to society to tell us the level of "badness" one sin has over another. Right now society gasps in horror at sexual abuse but would loudly applaud homosexual activity.
But I do think we should give it some consideration because if we are wanting to be a light, then we should consider how things appear to the world and respond accordingly where we can. So we should not gasp in horror at homosexual activity and yawn with boredom at sexual abuse.

I'll add this thought too - I don't believe there is as much "sweeping and hiding" as some think. I believe it can happen, but I've never seen it.
What I have seen, is ministry teams deciding after investigation that what happened didn't warrant excommunication, or didn't warrant reporting to police, or they felt nothing happened or whatever. In my opinion, most of this is simply bad judgement, or lack of information etc. I know of no ministry that I felt was complicit in hiding someone. Duped maybe, but not complicit. Onlookers seldom have a grasp of both sides, and often when it is in a church or community, sides are immediately taken before the other side gives their side. And so the ministry is either "sweeping & hiding", or else "not forgiving and being ungraceful".
And the whole time we have society looking over our shoulder making sure we do it according to their current definition of "right" or else.

While I have a few quibbles with some of what you say, I’m posting to thank you for your rational, level headed input.

[RZehr]

While I have a few quibbles with some of what you say, I’m posting to thank you for your rational, level headed input.

I appreciate the kind words! I'm certain you and I would have our quibbles on many issues!

[Wade]

I would like to focus on:
[*] Thoughts about how we can make it harder for these things to happen in secret in our churches.

I'd like to see what policy Eastern wrote. If anyone can provide me with one, I thank you.
I like the thought of a policy for the church. It wouldn't have to be super defined, but I like that idea.
We have our own schools. I think there should be teaching that a student can feel safe confiding in the teachers.
Not all families practice the same level of modesty in the home. Whatever level we have, we should take the time to teach our children that this here is okay, and this is not. Teach them about grooming, and that certain things are not okay regardless who it is. Even if it is one of their parents or grandparents, sibling, anyone!
Tell them exactly what to do if certain things happen, and exactly what to do in certain scenarios. Remind them. Don't teach the older ones and then forget about the younger ones.

[*] Thoughts about the best way to handle accusations when they come up.[/list]

I don't believe there is a nice easy crisp, cookie cutter way to handle this - even for people who are not afraid to make lines.

There is an obligation to both sides. And there is no consensus on definition, on seriousness, on forgiveness, on accountability etc. Seems like each church, each preacher is making it up as they go, just using the resources, information, and counsel given to him. And often when you have someone making a judgement call, you have someone else saying that the wrong call was made.
I believe with our stronger than average teaching on forgiveness and non-resistance, we do not hold the perpetrator (1.) as accountable as sometimes we should, and (2.) as accountable as our non-Christian society thinks we should.

I think there is such a hollow sound to societies outrage against sexual abuse. I think a large reason for it is because it is titillating. With no absolutes, and right and wrong being redefined, God will give them over to a reprobate mind. And I think peak outrage comes right before acceptance. Society loudly rejected same-sex marriage right before they accepted it. I suppose society hollered around about divorce and remarriage at one time too. This country had a war on drugs, not we have an epidemic of drug use and are legalizing it.
I wonder what Sodom and Gomorrah view on sexual assault was.

All that to say this: I don't think we should look to society to tell us the level of "badness" one sin has over another. Right now society gasps in horror at sexual abuse but would loudly applaud homosexual activity.
But I do think we should give it some consideration because if we are wanting to be a light, then we should consider how things appear to the world and respond accordingly where we can. So we should not gasp in horror at homosexual activity and yawn with boredom at sexual abuse.

I'll add this thought too - I don't believe there is as much "sweeping and hiding" as some think. I believe it can happen, but I've never seen it.
What I have seen, is ministry teams deciding after investigation that what happened didn't warrant excommunication, or didn't warrant reporting to police, or they felt nothing happened or whatever. In my opinion, most of this is simply bad judgement, or lack of information etc. I know of no ministry that I felt was complicit in hiding someone. Duped maybe, but not complicit. Onlookers seldom have a grasp of both sides, and often when it is in a church or community, sides are immediately taken before the other side gives their side. And so the ministry is either "sweeping & hiding", or else "not forgiving and being ungraceful".
And the whole time we have society looking over our shoulder making sure we do it according to their current definition of "right" or else.

I'll say I completely disagree with at least one thing here.
The proper abhorrence of sin does never make one after accept it. I believe abhorrence to sin is a view like God.
But if what you meant was an abhorrence that stays continually focused on sin then I would agree with you, as I have met people with good intentions that turned bad. For example one man I know started out very helpful into researching health things.and then helping others. From there eventually he got to corruption in world governments. He was abhorred but he just wouldn't take his eyes off of it. Today he admits that if he was in power that he would be much worse than the most corrupt and his demeanor is such that I don't really even consider him a friend anymore...

Therefore I do believe that what we focus on we tend to become - good or bad.

Not sure how to balance that all however because I don't either want to imply that we just over look or pretend things aren't happening that are.

[mike]

Currently I am in contact with a young pastor from a local evangelical church who has been convicted of sexual crimes in relation to a minor and sentenced to 15-40 years in prison, and his family who is hurting deeply. Attending the sentencing was one of the hardest things I have ever sat through. There is an incredible amount of outcry, blame, and lynch-mob style vindictiveness toward the perpetrator of sexual crimes toward minors, even from Christians who believe in forgiveness and redemption. It is a human response that we all feel to some extent. But in my opinion it can distort and cloud over the many factors other than the sin of the perpetrator that led to such a situation. I also question how beneficial rage and vindictiveness toward the perpetrator is for the victim.

So on the one hand you have the cover-ups and the shielding of sexual predators. And on the other hand you have the lynch-mob mentality toward the perpetrators. Neither seem to be the way of Jesus.

What's the way of Jesus?

[Sudsy]

One thing we do in our MB church is that anyone who wants to be involved in any children ministries must first pass a police check on their police record. Is this something other Anabaptists do or is it just assumed no one has a police record ?

[RZehr]

Wade I don't see what part of my post you are referencing. I don't understand your second sentence either. Could you clarify?